Time Flies!

It is absolutely unreal to me that this year is nearly over.  It has been said that whatever you are doing when the new year rolls in is what you will spend your year doing, so make it good.  I have found that to be true in some sense every year.  However, when 2010 arrived I was lying in a hospital bed recovering from a nasty virus.  I was supposed to be packing to move and planning a small wedding with my knight in shining armor, but instead was removed from my kids and my work staff for that week following Christmas.  I was rediculously sick and literally slept for seven days.  I was forced to depend on others and nearly everytime I opened my eyes my knight was there in the chair next to my bed.  My dearest and closest friend (Christy) had me placed on her floor in the hospital so she could effectively oversee my care and Kurt only left when necessary.  The new year arrived as Kurt kept me company and my nurse (who was hand picked by Christy) brought us sparkling cider for a midnight toast.  Our wedding was just 10 days away and the move just 9 days and my staff had survived the year end madness in my store without me.  My sister-in-law had come to my house and spent a day packing with my daughters.  My father (the ultimate knight in shining armor) had kept my son.  And some friends had graciously kept track of my high spirited and very independent teenage daughters. 

I had been on my own with my kids and an amazing support system of friends and family for a long time.  Even with a husband and later a significant other, I had found myself parenting alone and became quite independent.  Kurt and I started dating in September of 2007 and he took some getting used to, as he is a "take care of business" kind of guy.  On December 10 of 2009 he proved to be the one man who had the capacity to render me speechless when he proposed in the middle of one of my "I can do it my damn self" types of speeches while standing in what is now OUR kitchen.  The wedding was scheduled for January 10, exactly 30 days later, and I had to go and get sick in the middle of that short planning and packing period and during the busiest week of the year at my job.

What a way to ring in the new year!  The last thing I wanted to think about was spending the coming year fighting illness, which is what it looked like as that is how I brought in the year.  However, as I look back to that moment of toasting in the new year and consider all that week had consisted of, I have to look now at what 2010 has held for me.  I got a big dose that week of depending on others.  More than that, I got a HUGE dose of depending on the man in the chair next to me, loving and supporting me, checking on my children, updating my family, and communicating with my caregivers.  Accident?  I think not.  Ten short days later, I walked down the isle and committed my life knowing without a doubt that he was able and willing to be all that I needed him to be.  What an amazing gift that week turned into! 

As for how that ties into my year?  Well, the year has been a whirlwind of learning for all 7 of us.  Learning to live together, to depend on each other, respecting each other's boundaries.  Kurt and I are figuring out how to parent together (and I happen to think we have done well, all things considered).  The basement remodel was completed, I started back to school, Kurt completed his home inspector's course, and we are looking ahead to new projects in the coming year.  Through it all, I have continued to realize what I realized as the new year began.....it's okay to lean on this man.  God blessed me with a wonderful companion and I entered 2010 with new recognition of that and spent the year experiencing it.  So, yes, I still believe there is some truth to it.  Whatever you are doing when the new year rolls in is what you will spend your year doing, so make it good.  Happy New Year!

December 25, 2010

This morning after the opening of presents I gathered up the mess and moved to the kitchen to clear the way for preparations of the family meal.  As I emptied the dishwasher, loaded it, and wiped down counters I realized that this would be the first time in 11 years that Christmas dinner would be held in my home.  ELEVEN YEARS.  I knew it had been a very long time, but I honestly try to avoid the math on these kinds of things.  Not only does it age me, but sometimes the truth is painful.  And the truth is, that the last 11 years has held a long and complicated journey for Lizzi, Abi, and me.  Six years ago Samuel joined us on our journey and much like the Samuel of the Old Testament, he proved to be somewhat of a spiritual stabilizer for all of us in the long run.  Three years ago, Mr. Westfall joined us on our journey (boy was he in for a shock!) and he, too, has been quite the stabilizer for all of us.  Last year at Christmas time Kurt and I had just gotten engaged and I was beginning to allow myself to feel hopeful.  Hopeful for a future with a family, a home, a safe haven for all 7 of us.  This year, on this day, the birthday of my Savior, for the first time in 11 Christmases I breathed deep and there it was....PEACE.  As the morning progressed I thought of my mom.  I'll bet she thoroughly enjoys the fact that my teens got us up very early and then went back to bed after opening gifts just like I used to do.  And I'm certain she got a good laugh as I popped the bag of stuffing cubes open all over the kitchen!  I was trying to crunch them up as I knew she used crumbs, not cubes.  So, clearly, my stuffing would turn out all wrong. Not like mom's.  Then, of all things....I was out of poultry seasoning!  The peace that had given me such extreme joy just hours earlier had dissipated into a complete melt down.  As my knight in shining armor calmly cleaned up the mess from the stuffing explosion, he did as he always does.  Kurt has this amazing way of giving me exactly enough space to process and enough attention for me to know he's there supporting me, even in my phychosis.  Abi called Grampa and my mom still had some poultry seasoning in the cabinet (it was the least she could do since I'm sure she was laughing at me from heaven), so the girls went over and got it.  I finished the stuffing and my ever supportive knight cut up potatos as I peeled. Finally, everything was in the oven and family arrived.  Eventually, Kurt pulled the brisket, pork roast, and ribs from the smoker, and dinner was served.  But wait!  Half way through the meal Lizzi realizes that we had forgotten to pull out the fruit salad (another of my mother's dishes) which was notoriously called banana salad by my girls as babies.  She gets it out of the refrigerator, spoons some onto her plate, sits down and says "why are there no bananas?".  This time rather than an all out melt down, I laughed and added the bananas.  The BBQ was perfect as always, the stuffing turned out fine, the potatos needed a little salt, and the bread was late getting done (just like mom).  We visited, laughed, remembered, made new memories, and loved each other.  Christmas dinner in my "home" for the first time in 11 years was a glorious success!  Not because it was the perfect meal, but because it was in our home and there is peace.  Because I am so blessed by a BIG and MIGHTY God who has carried us on this journey and who will never leave us or forsake us.  He came in the flesh, humbly and quietly and traveled a journey of His own so that we could live and be all that we were created to be in this life and join Him in heaven when we're done. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude tonight as I finally sit and reflect on the last few days and the last 11 years... the friends, the family, and the blessings.  I am blessed beyond measure, and this Christmas more than ever I am so grateful for the birth of the baby who later saved us all.

Time.

I have never had much sense of time.  My family and friends often accuse me of operating on what they lovingly call "Shelly time".  I am faithfully late.  I'm sorry, but there just never seems to be enough time to do all that I think needs to happen in a day.  Furthermore, I happen to like "Shelly time" because it follows the patterns of "Shelly's World".  :)  (That might be a topic better saved for another day, lol)

In recent months, though, time has become seemingly more of an issue.  I went back to school and now have deadlines to meet, and find less time for the gym and various other things I'd rather do than homework.  The homework has proven challenging, rewarding, and yes.....VERY time consuming.  I'm enjoying the classes and most of the work.  Getting into a new groove has been challenging, though.

Things are changing for me professionally.  The company I work for holds a lease inside of a Walmart store which will be up in 2012.  I remember when that seemed so far off it wasn't an issue.  But now I feel as though I'm running out of time.

There is also the impending doom of "I'm running out of time with my kids".......this is a tough one.  Lizzi is a Junior in high school and recently took her ACT.  She drives.  She talks about college (and gets tons of college mail).  She wants more and more freedom, and Abi is following right behind.  And now of all things, Sam thinks he's ready for a BB gun???  There is so much I want to teach them in order to prepare them and maybe even prevent them from mirroring some of my mistakes, but there is only so much freaking time!

I ran out of time with my mom.  My life was a mess when she left for heaven and she didn't get to share in my happiness and contentment, at least not from here.  I have to believe that she's sharing it on a whole different level.  I know she worried about me, so surely a part of heaven is getting to know that your loved ones are ok?  No, I haven't read that in the Bible, it's a little piece of "Shelly's world", lol.

Recently my sister came to me with the glorious idea of Waiting-Place.  A web application that would allow patients who are dealing with the likes of Cancer, Parkinson's Disease, MS, HIV/AIDS, Diabetes, Arthritis, (the list goes on and on and on.....) to gain sponsorship for time spent in waiting rooms, doctor's offices, hospitals and treatment centers to raise money for research.  Time that is seemingly useless can become a source of progress.  Now your talkin'!  Time that can be your friend when you would expect exactly the opposite!  The idea came to her as a result of time spent in many waiting rooms over the years first with our mom who fought Parkinson's Disease for 21 years and now with her husband who has had a heck of a war with Sarcoma, an incredibly rare cancer, off and on for 15 years.  Yes, and even for herself as she fights Fybromialgia (I don't even know how to spell that one!). 

So often time is such a boundary.  This is the primary reason that I rarely consider time to be my friend.  I don't like limits.  I am passionate about endless opportunities, freedom, wide open spaces......I'm a bit of a free spirit.....not a big fan of excessive structure.  This is also why I am a big fan of God.  For all the fears and frustration that comes with human limitations, He is big and mighty.  He is far greater than any homework challenges, or kid challenges, or corporate leases, or illness.  And yes, His power is greater then time restrictions!  I have found through my experiences that when I don't place limitations on Him by limiting my expectations He ALWAYS comes through.  Yes, grace truly is amazing! 

My New Year's resolution in January of 2009 was to let go and live fearlessly.  I coached myself into letting go of things I had no control over and slowly began to reconnect with God and recognize that He had been there all along.  With God all things are possible.  Time and illness hold no power.  So, go ahead, live fearlessly.  2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and of a STRONG MIND.  He created us to live fearlessly for Him.  The strong mind thing makes me giggle every time as I in no way see THAT when I look in the mirror, but my faith in a mighty God allows me to believe it and live as if it were so.  :)

Walls.

I woke up this morning with 80 things running through my head, as always.  I stumbled to the kitchen and made coffee, as always.  I turned on the news, as always.  As always, my knight in shining armor came and sat down in the living room to put his boots on, catch the weather, and have some coffee.  However, today in all his morning glory (Mr. W is NOT a morning person) he announced “the wall is going up today”.  I had to make him repeat himself and explain himself.  He was talking about the wall that was being built in the shop of what is his father’s business (for a couple more weeks) where Mr. W has spent at least the last 15 years of his life as an employee.  His dad is retiring and the business is being divided and what was once the most solid thing in my knight’s life is dissolving around him.  And now there is a wall.  I’m not a big fan of walls, myself.  I used to be, however.  They used to make me feel safe.  Until Mr. W came along.  Walls can be a funny thing.  They can protect and they can divide.  The walls of our home protect us from the elements.  We depend on them for shelter and safety.  This wall going up in the shop today represents a barrier.   Division.  The end of a chapter.  Or, could it be a new beginning?   So, I find myself wondering if there is a door or just a wall?  

I married my knight in shining armor last January.  As we approach the holidays and our one year of marriage milestone, I find myself a little overwhelmed at times.  During the last eleven months we have remodeled our basement to create space for all of our children (and bonus kids), I had surgery in the spring, I started college classes in the fall, Mr. W. took a week long course to begin his home inspection business, I have transitioned staff in my store, he is transitioning through this change at work, and all of this while learning to live together and parent together.  The entire year has been about tearing down walls, looking ahead, and trusting God as we abandon old boundaries.  On this day, however, there is this monumental wall going up that will change my knight’s life more than even he expected.  Change is painful, more often than not.  I’ve learned in my life, it is that way, even with good change.    So, it hit me as I watched him walk out the door, that this for him is more difficult than learning to live with a house full of girls (can you even imagine??).  I want to look at this wall as the beginning of a new chapter, not the end of an old chapter.  Clearly, though, it represents both.

So, as I drove my son to school and wondered how my knight’s day was going so far I contemplated this new beginning.  I often think that Mr. W. has no real concept of why I call him my knight or how amazing and capable he truly is.  I also realize that part of what makes him that man to me is all of what makes this such a complicated transition.  My husband is my knight because he truly is a man of honor and integrity.  He cares deeply for his family (ALL of his family) and providing for us is innately part of who he is.  He is rarely focused on himself (unless, of course, it’s deer season and this year even that has been on the back burner), and he often finds it difficult to allow himself to step outside of the lines.  This is quite the opposite of me, who doesn’t tend to recognize lines and boundaries and who often just flies by the seat of my pants.  So, as I repeatedly say to him “God has a plan.  We will be fine”, he repeatedly looks at me with doubt and says “okay”.  I struggle to find ways to help him mean that and view this as a beginning rather than an end.  So, I do the only thing I know to do when the answers don’t come easily.  I pray. Not with words, really.  You know those prayers that start with “God……..”and then you just breath and know that He knows the rest because you are out of words?  Yeah.  That prayer.

And then I go on to think more about walls.  Walls are funny things.  Literally and figuratively.  I contemplate the walls that I’ve built in my life and the walls that have been torn down.  I think about physical walls………for instance, I have a real home for the first time in over 10 years.  I’m not merely setting up camp to keep a roof over my head and that of my children.  This is a place where I look forward to putting up the Christmas tree, and where our children will grow and come home to visit after they have set out on their own.   I think about emotional walls……….the ones that all crashed to the floor of this very kitchen the night my knight proposed to me.  I think about spiritual walls……the ones that came crashing down when I finally started listening more and arguing less when God speaks (even if he doesn’t come to me in the burning bush I’ve been begging for).  And yes, many of those walls have symbolized new beginnings.  Not only when they went up, but also when they came down.  Yep, walls are a funny thing.