Finding Hope Again

Scenes from the last ten days have flooded my mind. From the moment my husband came into our room to wake me at 5:43am on May 9 as my brother shared the news that literally knocked the wind out of both of us and changed all of us forever. My beautiful niece had been in a car wreck that she did not survive. Her boyfriend of four years was with her and he is recovering with a very tough road ahead of him. They were quite the pair. (We would love for you to donate to his recovery expenses here)

Kylie was the youngest of my brother's five children, 18 and graduating from a nearby high school. A member of the historic graduating class of 2020. Young. Filled with life. Adventurous and fearless in spirit. She had an ease about her. Comfortable in her own skin...not something we often say about 18 year olds. Kylie had a way of making everyone she encountered feel welcomed and included. She loved all of God's creatures and lived accordingly. She loved the outdoors and soaked up every drop of life and sunshine that she was given. I could go on and on and on.

On Monday, our great granddaughter turned ONE. Amidst such deep and heavy darkness this little bright light had a birthday. Emma Elizabeth was not part of anyone's plan and as it has been with so many other unexpected surprises, she has been a glimmer of hope in what has been a pretty tough year. She deserves to be celebrated even as we grieve.

Also this week, my granddaughter, Haley (mommy to Emma), graduated from high school. Also a member of this historic graduating class. She did this with Emma alongside and finished STRONG with awesome grades. She's overcome so many obstacles and the next chapter of her life is filled with significant hope as she and her boyfriend (also of four years) begin to plan for their future. 

 Additionally, my nephew Gabe (my sister's oldest), graduated as another part of the historic class of 2020. He's headed to The University of Kansas school of journalism and we are all SO excited to follow him as he announces for KU Hockey and develops an amazing career and journey of his own. He, too, has had his fair share of obstacles and continues to overcome and excel.

SO MUCH TO REJOICE IN, and SO MUCH PAIN. 

The loss of Kylie has held a dark cloud over our family at time that should be filled with celebration. And, if I'm being honest, it has put to the test my ability to process life in general. I mean, really. I am just SAD. And if I truly believe all that I SAY I believe, how do I process this with hope and peace despite my sorrow and even anger. I have wrestled HARD and God has surely been up for it because I have been reminded of a few things amidst the darkness. 

1. God always shows up in people. ALWAYS. WITHOUT FAIL. If people are willing to show up, God will faithfully reveal Himself in them. Last week, people showed up like crazy to support my brother and his wife and children. It was a beautiful display of love. There was lots of food and tears and laughter and people were PRESENT. Even in the midst of a pandemic. On Friday and Saturday I watched as people flooded the mortuary to show their support. Kylie's friends in their yellow bandanas and boots tailgated in the parking lot, just to be together and present. And on Sunday, her bestie accepted her high school diploma on her behalf. As broken and lost as we have felt, God showed up in all of these people and we all felt the love and presence of Kylie's high spirited love for life and adventure and fun. 
2. God is NOT a puppeteer. He's not sitting on some literal throne crafting a master plan like some kind of movie. The entire Bible is story after story about God meeting humans in the mess and redeeming the mess over time, proving his grace and mercy and provision over and over and over again. And this is exactly how I have experienced God. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. He simply never wastes an opportunity to show us His unconditional love and mercy. When we recognize His presence in whatever shit storm we are in, it is truly undeniable. Terrible, and unthinkable things happen, not because God has caused them, but because humans are messy. Accidents happen. Life is messy.
3. God does NOT give us things He thinks we can handle. He meets us in the thick of the shit storm and handles it with us, and in us. He clears a path, calms the storm, and continues to show up in other humans who are willing to be present. We are all faced with things we cannot handle. Every time, without fail, GOD SHOWS UP and we do not carry it alone.
4. We are each uniquely designed with great purpose. That purpose starts the moment we arrive on the planet and evolves as we grow and learn to participate in the world around us (His kingdom on earth as it is in heaven). This is where divine design happens. When we can discern and understand who we are, by God's design we become participants in an evolving world, in God's story. We become responsive to His heart and desires. We begin to meet people in the mess, allowing God to show up through us to bring redemption to the ugliness. And as I look at all three of our graduates and this beautiful little one year old, I see HOPE.

In the wake of such a tremendous loss, I'm grateful to be reminded that God shows up. God draws near to the broken hearted. He intercedes in ways we will never fully understand. I am reminded to trust when I am hurting, angry, helpless. More than that, I am reminded to look ahead. To celebrate a first birthday. To celebrate the future for young graduates who still have much to bring to the world. And I am inspired by Kylie's sheer love of life and the joy she seemed to lavish on the people she encountered. 

I heard a wise pastor say once (and I have never forgotten it), “Easter reminds us that the worst thing is never the last thing.” So, I find myself challenged to live accordingly. I know that, because of Jesus, we will see Kylie again. I know that death to this life is not the end. I know that beyond the hurt we can and will live well and love life and love the people (and critters) around us, just as Kylie did.