Surrendering Perfection

Three years later I still marvel at the fact that I work for a church.  I often wonder if God has experienced a serious lapse in judgement.  I do not fit the mold of what one might expect.  I am messy and often unfiltered. My life story is more like the woman at the well than what one might expect or even prefer of church staff. I am not steeped in church polity or policy or politics, and most of the time I do not understand the difference between the three.

I have struggle for far more years than I care to count with the idea that Christians are called to some level of perfection that seems unattainable. How do we reconcile the concept of a God who is Love with the idea that He expects us to be perfect and that we might really be "left behind" if we cannot attain it.  After all, we have been taught that Jesus, who I totally believe was fully God and fully human said these words "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48, NIV) What exactly does someone like me do with that??  I've made some dumb mistakes, survived some poor choices, and I still mess up on the regular.  Be PERFECT?? REALLY??

For several years now my answer has been to accept the reality of God as I have experienced Him. His grace has been sufficient in more ways than I can count.  I have experienced peace that I do not deserve, and He has come through for me in ways I could never have asked or predicted.  My journey has been colorful, yet filled with hope and renewal.  I have discovered great joy in embracing the idea that I merely have to be who He created me to be and I have grown increasingly passionate about helping others learn to embrace this same truth, to discover how our gifts and character play into God's story.  Really, this has been a result of the journey, of prayer and experience, of learning to recognize God in the daily grind, not from extensive study of scripture.

Currently I am taking a class on the Sermon On The Mount, Jesus famous sermon during which He made that statement.  It's a classic Bible story.  Many of us heard it in Sunday school and grew up with certain expectations as a result of it.  Last week our professor pointed out that in the original Greek text Jesus used the word telios, meaning complete or whole.  All I could think was are you kidding me??  All of this time it was "be complete"??  Now I am no great scholar, but this is a real game changer.  Be complete.  This is a whole different statement in our culture than "be perfect". This is a concept I can get behind.  I can wrap my brain around the idea that the One who created me desires to continually work to complete what He started in me. I can invest myself and strive to become all that He made me to be.  When I think of how I have experienced God in my own journey and how he is constantly transforming me and how my understanding of Him and His people has grown and evolved, I can embrace the idea of becoming complete.  

The truth is that I surrendered the idea of perfection 15 years ago when my first marriage ended.  I spent the next several years wrestling with the powerful realization that perfect was impossible and that somehow God has been faithful, regardless.  Last week as I embraced this new phrase, be complete, I felt lighter, more confident, even loved, and yet incredibly humbled.  I even shared this with others and took notice as their faces changed and even their posture as I spoke the words be complete.  So, Be complete, friends.  Surrender perfection and embrace the grace that invites you to become all that you were created to be. I want to invite you to find contentment in the process and to rest.  Rest and breathe and allow yourself to embrace grace.  Be complete friends, as your Father in heaven is complete. 

A Mini-Van, A Buddha Statue, A Box of Ashes, and a WHOLE Lot of Hope

I'll never forget the day that I called the chaplain from Valley Hope as I lay (literally in the fetal position, at the end of my rope) on the floor in the office of my home in tears.  "He's drinking again.....I don't know what to do.......*sobbing* All I want is peace....I NEED peace....."  The gentle voice on the other end of the line said "Why do you stay?  Why have you not divorced him?"  Still sobbing I explained that I meant the vows that I said and that I don't believe in divorce and I believed God hated divorce.  Again with the gentle voice "Shelly, you are side stepping God's grace".  In that moment and the moments to follow the peace that passes all understanding flooded my body, my mind, and my soul as he began to explain to me that this was not what God wants.  He told me God loved me and my daughters and that those girls were my first priority, gifts given to me by God.  He explained to me that God is merciful and did not condemn me to punishment for the rest of my life at the hands of someone else's choices over which I had no control. I had heard about grace my whole life, and this peace that passes all understanding.  I never really grasped what it meant until that day.   Suddenly, there it was, real and tangible in a way that I would have never imagined until I FELT IT.

In the months that followed I did file for divorce.  I was forced to send John's daughter to her mother in Georgia after raising her for nearly eight years. I did focus on my girls and tried to learn to take care of myself in ways that allowed me to effectively be present for them.  Throughout the process of divorce his family kept close contact with me and I kept as much of an eye out for him as I could without compromising the safety and well-being of my daughters (or myself) until they could get him into treatment for a third time.  The alcohol nearly killed him at that time, and yet God loved John, too.  So by the very same grace, some timely angels from AA were able to get him to the VA hospital where he received medical help, detox assistance, and six months of rehab.  Five years later, John died of alcoholism shortly after losing his brother to cancer.

At the time, I was in another relationship and had just given birth to my son.  John's role in the girls lives was an occasional phone call.  They had only seen him once since our failed attempt to reunite after that six months of treatment.  That visit was a mixed bag of blessed time with their dad and some extremely unhealthy circumstances.  The relationship I was in was a mess and I was still begging, searching for healing.  His death brought relief and deep pain all at the same time, much like when you lose a family member who has suffered a long cancer battle.  Alcoholism is equally as evil.

Fast forward to today. I'm remarried to a man who adopted my son and who treats the girls as his own.  I have a job I am passionate about.  I'm in the process of finally finishing my degree.  Both of my daughters are in college and are amazing young adults.   Their older sister (John's daughter) has returned to Kansas to make it her home.  My son is now 10, and growing strong and healthy.  He is blessed to have little knowledge of the turmoil that brought us to this season.

In December we lost John's sister.  His last living sibling and my friend and big sister for the last 22 years.  As we sat in the priest's office days before the service to celebrate her life, the priest began to ask us to share.  She also shared with us that she wanted to speak of hope and resurrection in her sermon. She knew that on the day of Chris's passing she would have been celebrating TWENTY SIX years of sobriety, that Chris has raised Sarah as a single parent, that Chris had loved well and served well (both in AA and in the church, as well as in her vocation).  As she told us this, I lost all composure.  Of course she should speak of hope and new life!  Chris spoke life into many and into some very dark circumstances, including my own.  I will forever hear her words "just focus on the next right thing" as I continue to move through my life.  I am deeply grateful for her role in my own journey of hope and resurrection.

So, in August, we moved his mom here to Kansas from Arkansas to be close to us.  She is a fascinating woman who I was attached to immediately upon meeting her.  In the 22 years I've known her, she has lost her parents, her husband, and all three of her children.  Yet, she presses on with grace, faith, and dignity. She also is no stranger to finding hope and resurrection in very dark circumstances. It made sense to bring her close so the girls and I can take active part in her life, to be present in everyday life and to be accessible when she needs us.  She purchased a lovely home large enough for the rest of her grandchildren to fly in and visit as often as possible. And, I enjoy her friendship and support.

My husband went with me last month to help oversee the movers, load our vehicle and hers, and drive a vehicle back.  He was putting the box with her Buddha statue (a beautiful peace of art, not a 'god' in her home) in the back of her mini-van as I was placing John's ashes in the van as well.  I laughed and cried as I thought about the craziness of it all.  My husband held me and took it all in stride.  He is steady and I was so grateful to have him there.

Driving back from Arkansas with a Buddha statue, my deceased ex-husband's ashes in a box, and his mother who I adore and still get to claim as my own, I was reminded yet again that God is much bigger, much stronger, much wiser, and FAR more creative than I could ever possibly wrap my brain around.  I was reminded that what my human mind envisioned as proper healing didn't even come close to comparing to the journey that was ahead.  For all of the times that I begged God to heal my family fifteen years ago, the truth is...He did.  I never could have pictured my life as it is today.

It doesn't look like anyone might have expected.  My marriage ended.  Another failed relationship happened.  There were moments when I could barely float, let alone tread water or keep swimming. And yet there has been tremendous healing, and the healing continues.

I become easily frustrated when I feel as if man made rules and expectations interfere with our ability to see God at work.  Our vision is so very limited and His is vast beyond our comprehension. My very colorful, very diverse family is living breathing proof that the Creator of the Universe is STILL creating in us, for us, around us, and through us.  We can box the Buddha statue, but we CANNOT box the great I AM.

Meet Abbey Dollard.....

As parents we only ever hope and pray we are making right decisions and the decisions we make impact our kids in positive ways.  For almost twenty years now being a mom who raised my kids to be effective adults "someday" has been my primary purpose.  Many of those years I parented alone which made the challenges different. Mistakes were made and victories won. Despite my own humanness, God is faithful and so far so good on the whole "effective adults" thing.  In fact, I'm so proud of who they are and humbled by their giftedness that words fail me.

Today....we are steadily approaching "someday" for my baby girl and I have invited her to be a guest writer on my blog.  She has a great story, a great heart, and an even greater vision.  AND, she needs our help to begin the next chapter of her journey.

Meet Abbey Dollard......

As a young girl, two years old to be exact, I was diagnosed with Alport’s Syndrome. This is a genetic condition that mostly affects the kidneys, but may also lead to hearing loss and abnormalities in the eye.

The diagnosing process started when my parents noticed, without going into any great detail, some uncommon characteristics about my urine.

My mom took me to our pediatrician, Dr. Camilo H. Palacio, thinking it was all just some sort of infection. The realization that it was more came when I had to go back every day to get my blood pressure and weight checked. Some might have thought I had all this cute baby fat, the doctor, however, knew I had all this bad water weight that I was not losing.

Dr. Palacio was the doctor who changed it all. As we went through the everyday process of worry and exhaustion trying to figure out what was going on, he took the time out of his day to continue researching my condition even off the clock. While at home with his family, he made the discovery that it was, in fact, all linked to my kidneys.

This lead to the process of finding a nephrologist. In Wichita, there was no pediatric nephrologist. Trying to compensate, a nephrologist, agreed to see me. Although she clearly was NOT a kid’s person, she was a sweet lady to try. But anyone who knows me, knows that to this day, I tend to be a lot to handle. Making that arrangement more difficult than helpful.

Once again, Dr. Palacio came to the rescue helping us get connected with Dr. Stanley Hellerstein. Now this guy was cool. Here I was, three years old, and I was the doctor. Me, Abigail Dollard, high and mighty in the doctor’s chair. No one could stop me now, not even my mom every time she told me, “Abigail don’t play on the rolling stool, that’s the doctor’s chair”.  When I responded with “I AM the doctor”, Dr. Hellerstein agreed. He let me be just as important as him. I was no longer the little girl with the kidney problems; I was also the one helping change lives.

What Dr. Palacio and Dr. Hellerstein do not know is that they influenced me so much at such a young age. Not only did they bring peace of mind to my family on my condition, but they showed me how great of an impact pediatric doctors can have on children.

As I’ve grown up, I have spent a lot of time working with kids. Whether it’s been babysitting on the weekends, the two kids I pick up and watch every day after school, my three summers spent at the Mulvane Recreation Center in the Pre-Kindergarten class, or volunteering at the church. If it’s given me the opportunity to work with them and hopefully positively influence them with even just a smile, I’ve taken it. Because Dr. Palacio and Dr. Hellerstein gave my three year old little self, at the very least, enough reassurance to be normal enough to smile.

Along with my love for kids, I also have a love for science. I came to realization of my love for science through my seventh grade teacher, Kara Gilbert. Her love for what she did made it visible to me how easy it is to take something you love and run with it. She may not have any clue that she’s what helped push me to further my studies in science, but I’ll forever give her the credit. I’ve had many great science teachers that have also helped me at my higher level classes, but I would never have considered taking these classes without having yet another amazing person influence me to do so.

One of those other science teachers is Nicole Streff-Collignon. She has been my freshman year Biology teacher and is now currently my AP Biology teacher. AP Biology has been by far my most challenging course so far, but definitely my favorite. I’ve learned that with a teacher willing to do what it takes for you to understand without pushing you to the point of losing your love for the subject, anything can be accomplished (apparently even genetics can be accomplished). Closer to the beginning of the year, she nominated me to participate in the Careers in Medicine Leadership Forum. Graciously, I have accepted the nomination and am very excited to say I will be going to Chicago at the end of June.

My love for science and my love for kids is how I came to pursuing a career as a pediatrician. I have been accepted into Southwestern College to take part in their Pre-Med program along with signing to be a part of their Leadership program, which will help further develop my skills giving me an even bigger opportunity to positively influence lives.

Through all of my opportunities and wildest dreams, I hope to someday give significance to someone else the way I feel these people have given significance to me. It may be that three year old little girl in the chair that needs to hear that she is the doctor, or it may be the mom that needs to know her baby is going to be okay. Whomever it may be and whatever situation it may be, if I can step in and do everything possible to help, I will feel as though I’ve done what I am created to do. Because I see purpose in all of the things that these people have done for me and it will be an honor to give that purpose back. 

Help Abbey.....

• Please pray for her journey and continued insight.
• You can make a donation for her trip to Chicago here:  http://www.gofundme.com/5gp4kk 
• AND, you can watch for other great opportunities to help as well as updates on her journey by liking her page here:  https://www.facebook.com/AbbeysChicagoHope?ref=hl&bookmark_t=page

THANK YOU!

From the depths of my soul I thank you for taking time to read Abbey's story, for praying for her on this journey, and to the many of you who have supported and loved us over many years!  My heart is full and God is good.... ALL  the time!