December 25, 2010

This morning after the opening of presents I gathered up the mess and moved to the kitchen to clear the way for preparations of the family meal.  As I emptied the dishwasher, loaded it, and wiped down counters I realized that this would be the first time in 11 years that Christmas dinner would be held in my home.  ELEVEN YEARS.  I knew it had been a very long time, but I honestly try to avoid the math on these kinds of things.  Not only does it age me, but sometimes the truth is painful.  And the truth is, that the last 11 years has held a long and complicated journey for Lizzi, Abi, and me.  Six years ago Samuel joined us on our journey and much like the Samuel of the Old Testament, he proved to be somewhat of a spiritual stabilizer for all of us in the long run.  Three years ago, Mr. Westfall joined us on our journey (boy was he in for a shock!) and he, too, has been quite the stabilizer for all of us.  Last year at Christmas time Kurt and I had just gotten engaged and I was beginning to allow myself to feel hopeful.  Hopeful for a future with a family, a home, a safe haven for all 7 of us.  This year, on this day, the birthday of my Savior, for the first time in 11 Christmases I breathed deep and there it was....PEACE.  As the morning progressed I thought of my mom.  I'll bet she thoroughly enjoys the fact that my teens got us up very early and then went back to bed after opening gifts just like I used to do.  And I'm certain she got a good laugh as I popped the bag of stuffing cubes open all over the kitchen!  I was trying to crunch them up as I knew she used crumbs, not cubes.  So, clearly, my stuffing would turn out all wrong. Not like mom's.  Then, of all things....I was out of poultry seasoning!  The peace that had given me such extreme joy just hours earlier had dissipated into a complete melt down.  As my knight in shining armor calmly cleaned up the mess from the stuffing explosion, he did as he always does.  Kurt has this amazing way of giving me exactly enough space to process and enough attention for me to know he's there supporting me, even in my phychosis.  Abi called Grampa and my mom still had some poultry seasoning in the cabinet (it was the least she could do since I'm sure she was laughing at me from heaven), so the girls went over and got it.  I finished the stuffing and my ever supportive knight cut up potatos as I peeled. Finally, everything was in the oven and family arrived.  Eventually, Kurt pulled the brisket, pork roast, and ribs from the smoker, and dinner was served.  But wait!  Half way through the meal Lizzi realizes that we had forgotten to pull out the fruit salad (another of my mother's dishes) which was notoriously called banana salad by my girls as babies.  She gets it out of the refrigerator, spoons some onto her plate, sits down and says "why are there no bananas?".  This time rather than an all out melt down, I laughed and added the bananas.  The BBQ was perfect as always, the stuffing turned out fine, the potatos needed a little salt, and the bread was late getting done (just like mom).  We visited, laughed, remembered, made new memories, and loved each other.  Christmas dinner in my "home" for the first time in 11 years was a glorious success!  Not because it was the perfect meal, but because it was in our home and there is peace.  Because I am so blessed by a BIG and MIGHTY God who has carried us on this journey and who will never leave us or forsake us.  He came in the flesh, humbly and quietly and traveled a journey of His own so that we could live and be all that we were created to be in this life and join Him in heaven when we're done. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude tonight as I finally sit and reflect on the last few days and the last 11 years... the friends, the family, and the blessings.  I am blessed beyond measure, and this Christmas more than ever I am so grateful for the birth of the baby who later saved us all.