Walls.

I woke up this morning with 80 things running through my head, as always.  I stumbled to the kitchen and made coffee, as always.  I turned on the news, as always.  As always, my knight in shining armor came and sat down in the living room to put his boots on, catch the weather, and have some coffee.  However, today in all his morning glory (Mr. W is NOT a morning person) he announced “the wall is going up today”.  I had to make him repeat himself and explain himself.  He was talking about the wall that was being built in the shop of what is his father’s business (for a couple more weeks) where Mr. W has spent at least the last 15 years of his life as an employee.  His dad is retiring and the business is being divided and what was once the most solid thing in my knight’s life is dissolving around him.  And now there is a wall.  I’m not a big fan of walls, myself.  I used to be, however.  They used to make me feel safe.  Until Mr. W came along.  Walls can be a funny thing.  They can protect and they can divide.  The walls of our home protect us from the elements.  We depend on them for shelter and safety.  This wall going up in the shop today represents a barrier.   Division.  The end of a chapter.  Or, could it be a new beginning?   So, I find myself wondering if there is a door or just a wall?  

I married my knight in shining armor last January.  As we approach the holidays and our one year of marriage milestone, I find myself a little overwhelmed at times.  During the last eleven months we have remodeled our basement to create space for all of our children (and bonus kids), I had surgery in the spring, I started college classes in the fall, Mr. W. took a week long course to begin his home inspection business, I have transitioned staff in my store, he is transitioning through this change at work, and all of this while learning to live together and parent together.  The entire year has been about tearing down walls, looking ahead, and trusting God as we abandon old boundaries.  On this day, however, there is this monumental wall going up that will change my knight’s life more than even he expected.  Change is painful, more often than not.  I’ve learned in my life, it is that way, even with good change.    So, it hit me as I watched him walk out the door, that this for him is more difficult than learning to live with a house full of girls (can you even imagine??).  I want to look at this wall as the beginning of a new chapter, not the end of an old chapter.  Clearly, though, it represents both.

So, as I drove my son to school and wondered how my knight’s day was going so far I contemplated this new beginning.  I often think that Mr. W. has no real concept of why I call him my knight or how amazing and capable he truly is.  I also realize that part of what makes him that man to me is all of what makes this such a complicated transition.  My husband is my knight because he truly is a man of honor and integrity.  He cares deeply for his family (ALL of his family) and providing for us is innately part of who he is.  He is rarely focused on himself (unless, of course, it’s deer season and this year even that has been on the back burner), and he often finds it difficult to allow himself to step outside of the lines.  This is quite the opposite of me, who doesn’t tend to recognize lines and boundaries and who often just flies by the seat of my pants.  So, as I repeatedly say to him “God has a plan.  We will be fine”, he repeatedly looks at me with doubt and says “okay”.  I struggle to find ways to help him mean that and view this as a beginning rather than an end.  So, I do the only thing I know to do when the answers don’t come easily.  I pray. Not with words, really.  You know those prayers that start with “God……..”and then you just breath and know that He knows the rest because you are out of words?  Yeah.  That prayer.

And then I go on to think more about walls.  Walls are funny things.  Literally and figuratively.  I contemplate the walls that I’ve built in my life and the walls that have been torn down.  I think about physical walls………for instance, I have a real home for the first time in over 10 years.  I’m not merely setting up camp to keep a roof over my head and that of my children.  This is a place where I look forward to putting up the Christmas tree, and where our children will grow and come home to visit after they have set out on their own.   I think about emotional walls……….the ones that all crashed to the floor of this very kitchen the night my knight proposed to me.  I think about spiritual walls……the ones that came crashing down when I finally started listening more and arguing less when God speaks (even if he doesn’t come to me in the burning bush I’ve been begging for).  And yes, many of those walls have symbolized new beginnings.  Not only when they went up, but also when they came down.  Yep, walls are a funny thing.