Live Fearlessly.....AND Flexibly!

Last year I began this blog with a post entitled "Walls".  I was about three months into classes @ Tabor (with NO idea where this was going), Mr. Westfall was facing huge changes in his career as he went from being employed by his Dad to being self employed in partnership with his brother, we were approaching our first holidays as husband and wife, with our first wedding anniversary to follow shortly behind the holidays.  The year of 2010 had been quite eventful as we learned to live and parent together and as God began to lead us down paths we never thought we would be prepared for (and yes, one of those paths was most definitely marriage and raising a blended family!!). 

Today it's hard to believe it's only been ONE year since that first post!  2011 has been another great adventure!  The kids have grown in stature, and we all have grown in mental, emotional, and spiritual ways not only as individuals, but as a family.  Hind sight being what it is, I can look back and see how the kids have settled and learned to view and love one another for who each of them is created to be.....even on the days they don't so much like each other, they still love each other and don't hesitate to say so-ALL of them: the five who live here AND the bonus kids.  Our home is a place of love and acceptance, but also a place of expectation and accountability.....I am humbled by the balance as I can take no credit.  It is by the very grace of God that we have the gift of each other and even beyond having one another, we realize it's gift.  Many families who are born into each other and grow together from birth miss the joy found in celebrating differences and meeting milestones.

Last December when I posted "Walls", a physical wall had gone up in my husband's work life.  For him, it was a dark and fearful time that was at the same time filled with newness and hope for things to come.  This December a door was cut into that very wall and his business is flourishing.  A year ago, I had no clue where God was leading me as I had embarked on completion of my education, recognizing His call on my life.  This year, however, I have joined the family at Woodlawn United Methodist Church and have found some comfort in knowing that even without a burning bush giving me exact directions, God speaks clearly when I shut up and pay attention.  I still have classes to finish in the coming year and there is still much I don't know about God's plan, but I can say that I have found amazing peace in the not always knowing (please note, I said peace not comfort).

In the last couple of years my sister and I have talked alot about learning to be flexible and running with plan B....She brought into my life the tree analogy and I talk alot with others about being a tree....rooted in Jesus, standing tall, bending with the wind, shedding beauty in the winters of life only to come back new, weathering each storm.  She's an amazing lady, who's life speaks of patience and perserverance.  In light of these things, I'm adding flexibly to my resolution for 2012.  In 2009, 2010, and 2011, my resolution was to live fearlessly even when I felt like I couldn't.  In 2012, let's live fearlessly AND flexibly in order to allow the Holy Spirit to move us.  I think it's important to note that a tree doesn't move from where it is rooted....so it's sustinance doesn't change.......it merely moves with the flow of life and provides shelter, beauty, comfort, and in many cases food for others of God's creation.  So, join me in living fearlessly and flexibly in 2012!  Let's all learn to be trees! 

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” -Jeremiah 17:7-8

Happy New Year Everyone!! 

Who Knew?? Living Fearlessly.......

There was a moment in time when I dreaded December and my heart was SO heavy and in such a dark place that I couldn't even put up a Christmas tree......TODAY, however, the tree is up, the Christmas music being played, and I'm eagerly awaiting December, and Advent, and the celebration of the birth of our Savior. God wrapped Himself in flesh to walk among us so I didn't have to go through those dark moments alone. Inexplicable Joy!!! The message of Christmas is one of hope.  There have been moments when I could not wrap my brain around the idea of hope, let alone find any "feeling" of hope.  In years past, it was not lack of belief that Jesus was God in flesh, born of a virgin, and later died to save me.  It was lack of vision for days to come.  It was the very fact that in those days it took everything I had to put one foot in front of the other, let alone put up a tree in my living room!  Don't get me wrong, we celebrated.  We just didn't always have a tree, and I went through the motions I could manage in somewhat of a numb existence. 

In the last three or four years, God has led me on a journey back to myself - to the me that He created.  It's been interesting, emotional, difficult, and filled with joy and yes, HOPE.  He has gently tugged, firmly pushed, softly spoken, and lovingly fused together the me that He created with the painful journeys that had left me hopeless and jaded.   All for the sake of  recreating and revealing new life in me and calling me back to the path He had planned, so that I can come alongside others and facilitate hope, healing, and growth in the loving arms of Jesus who meets our every need.  It's a HUGE responsibility....terrifying if I give it too much thought.  So, I don't give it a lot of thought....I just remember Timothy's words "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and of a sound mind".  The "sound mind" thing still makes me giggle, but it also gives me comfort.

I've been reading "Let Your Live Speak" by Parker J. Palmer for the class I'm taking.  In it, he shares tremendous insight regarding self-awareness and understanding our calling......knowing and being the person you are created to be.  As I read his journey, I reflected a lot on my own.  Palmer took a very dark journey through some severe depression.  I am far to extroverted to withdraw from life as he did, but I did go through the motions as a very empty and hurting person.  And in a similar fashion, I can look back on seasons of my life that have led me to this place.  Palmer says this of fear:  "Be not afraid does not mean we can not have fear.  Everyone has fear, and people who embrace the call to leadership often find fear abounding.  We do not have to lead from a place of fear, thereby engendering a world in which fear is multiplied."  He goes on to encourage his readers to lead from a place of trust and hope as these are more solid places to stand. 

This week marks the closing of two very long chapters in my life.  One being my career as a manager and an optician, and two being a time of living in the fear of fulfilling my calling.  Not that I don't feel fearful sometimes, but I am committed to ensuring that I will not live in it, it will no longer paralyze me.  My last day of work for National Vision Inc. is Friday and will mark the close of a 15 year career in optical (dispensing, management, and consulting), and a 24 year career in retail (21 of which has been management).  On Sunday I will begin my journey in ministry with Woodlawn United Methodist Church as their Director of Adult Ministries.  It's a very exciting and hopeful time filled with both joy and a tinge of sadness as I leave behind a wonderful team of people to become part of another wonderful team of people.

When I rang in 2009 with the resolution to live fearlessly because of the words in 2nd Timothy, I had NO idea the journey I was opening up to!  What an amazing adventure!  So, in the final hours of November 2011 I am eager to welcome December with all of it's changes and celebrations.  I look at the Nativity with a whole new sense of hope and anticipation of ringing in a fourth year of living fearlessly, stepping out in faith, and embarking on the next chapter of "Me-Just as God Created Me To Be" and finding ways to come alongside others in that journey.  I would encourage anyone to live fearlessly and yes, sometimes ya gotta fake it......step out anyway.  As Palmer said, everyone experiences fear, but we clearly don't have to foster it.

THAT Kind of Important

It was a gorgeous spring morning on the outside of my house, but on the inside I was trying to figure out how on earth we were going to put food on the table as my unemployed boyfriend was pausing from his computer game to ask his mother to pay our gas bill (the gentleman from the gas company had just left after cutting it off) so we could use our gas stove and have hot water.  As I rocked my newborn son and prayed “God, I know I have landed myself in this mess…..” words were hard to come by.  I knew it was my own fault for allowing myself to be in this position.  So, when the knock on the door was a sweet gray haired gentleman saying “Hi, we’re from the Church of Christ.  We just wanted to see if there is anything we can do to help you today”.  I immediately fell to tears.  I never would have asked for help, but God sent help anyway.  Hind sight being what it is, I now recognize this as the beginning of my journey to reconciliation with the church.

I have made some pretty sketchy choices in my lifetime.  I've managed to ignore God more than once and find myself in some pretty painful positions.  God and I have had some pretty tough conversations over the years.  When my marriage fell apart at the hands of alcoholism I felt abandoned and judged.  I felt alienated from the Church as a whole, not just one particular denomination, or location, or congregation.  I had participated in numerous congregations where I thought I had friends, but when I fell out no one seemed to notice or care.  It was several years later that this man from the Mulvane Church of Christ showed up on my doorstep at just the right time.  To this day, I do not know what led to the knock on the door, I just know it happened when I needed most to know that God's grace was available to me no matter what pickle I had landed myself in.  When I couldn't find words for God, He was already communicating with local Christians who were listening and responding. 

Recently, I attended a meeting for the Wichita East District of the United Methodist Church where Pastor Rob Schmutz shared his passion for prayer walking and his heart for the community of Park City where he is leading a church plant.  He cited these verses from Nehemiah:
 

^{12 I set out during the night with a few others. I had not told anyone what my God had put in my heart to do for Jerusalem. There were no mounts with me except the one I was riding on.
 13 By night I went out through the Valley Gate toward the Jackal Well and the Dung Gate, examining the walls of Jerusalem, which had been broken down, and its gates, which had been destroyed by fire. 14 Then I moved on toward the Fountain Gate and the King’s Pool, but there was not enough room for my mount to get through; 15 so I went up the valley by night, examining the wall. Finally, I turned back and reentered through the Valley Gate. 16 The officials did not know where I had gone or what I was doing, because as yet I had said nothing to the Jews or the priests or nobles or officials or any others who would be doing the work.
 17 Then I said to them, “You see the trouble we are in: Jerusalem lies in ruins, and its gates have been burned with fire. Come, let us rebuild the wall of Jerusalem, and we will no longer be in disgrace.” 18 I also told them about the gracious hand of my God on me and what the king had said to me.}

            Nehemiah clearly had a heart for God, his people, and his country.  We see this clearly in the first chapter of Nehemiah when he receives news of the conditions of the Israelites and the city of Jerusalem.  He wept and prayed, repenting for sin not only for himself but also interceding for that of his people. His heart ached deeply for his people and he called on God’s promise to restore them if they repented.  His heart was so heavily burdened that he continued to fast and pray.  Chapter two takes us to the court of King Artaxerxes where Nehemiah is his cup bearer.  This is a position of trust and privilege in the king’s court as the cup bearer’s responsibility was to taste the wine ahead of the king in order to be certain it was not poisoned.  This placed him in a position of influence with the king, which he clearly recognized as part of God’s plan when the time came.  On this day it had been four months since Nehemiah received the news of his people’s suffering and the destruction of the city of Jerusalem and he could no longer hide his sadness.  The king noticed and questioned him.  Nehemiah prayed and despite his fear recognized this God given opportunity.  He openly explained to the king his sadness and asked for permission to go and lead the Israelites in rebuilding their city.  The King clearly valued and trusted Nehemiah, because he not only granted him permission, but he offered his help and supplied him with all that he needed.  Nehemiah gives God all the credit for having His “gracious hand” upon him in verse eight.  And when he arrived in Jerusalem to answer God's call, he took the time to pray, and listen, and clarify the vision for what needed to be done.      

           There is significant pain in this world.  As Christians we are called to pay attention and respond.  Throughout the Bible, from Old Testament to New Testament, we are commanded to respond to the needs of God’s children. As we listened to Pastor Rob share that day, he pointed out that Jesus didn't sit around and wait for people to come to Him.  He walked the countryside meeting people right where they needed Him most.  He PRAYED relentlessly, LISTENED to the Father's direction, and ACTED accordingly.  

            I left that meeting inspired to pay closer attention to what's happening around me in my daily life, to pray for the people I see walking, mowing, driving, living...doing whatever it is they are doing.  I wonder if the folks from the Mulvane Church of Christ were prayer walking that morning?  I wonder if they will ever really know the long term impact it made.  I didn't attend their church, I never even properly thanked them.  In fact, I never heard from them again.  But I'm certain they prayed for us for weeks to follow.  And so, here I am all these years later in a new place in life and seeking to somehow continue to pay it forward to the body of Christ as a whole.

           This Sunday, Oct. 2nd a group from Mulvane United Methodist Church will begin to do some prayer walking, also.  It's heavy on my heart that we will be attentive to what God would have us see, hear, and sense.  We have the opportunity to show up right on time for someone each and everyday, and on Sunday we have the opportunity to do so as members of the body of Christ, not just the United Methodist Church.  So, please pray with us and for us as we seek to walk humbly and take the next right steps in loving our community for Jesus.  That morning in March of 2004 left a mark on my heart and my life that changed everything.  It's THAT kind of important.

It's a Girl!!

^{Psalm 139: 13-16}

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

   your works are wonderful,

   I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you

   when I was made in the secret place,

   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

I love Psalm 139!!  It's where I go when I need a hug.  It's where I go when I feel fat, or ugly, or like I have failed.  It's where I go when I doubt my purpose.  And it's where I go when I feel lost.  The entire Psalm is my favorite prayer when I can't find words.  These particular verses from Psalm 139 remind us that no one can create life but the Creator of life.  God, Himself, numbered the hairs on our head and the days of our lives. 

Today, my colleague, my assistant, most importantly-my friend found out that the baby she's expecting this spring is a girl.  This little girl was not part of my friend's plan.  Clearly, however, this precious little baby is part of God's plan.  No matter the earthly circumstances, this child is being knitted together in her mommy's womb by the Creator of life. 

I am no stranger to plan b!  Most who know me have heard me say of Samuel that he was certainly not a part of MY plan....I was done having babies.....or, so I thought.  I will never forget the day I found out that the reason I was so incredibly run down was because I was pregnant.  I was speechless.  For hours.  I was 34 years old, and had recently left his father.  Lizzi, Abi, and I were living with my parents.  My life was a mess.  WHAT was God thinking??  This was not a funny joke!  One could argue that Sam was a result of some not so smart choices in my life.  I would vehemently disagree, not about some of my choices, but certainly about the arrival of Sam.  Babies can be unexpected, but there is not one life that is an accident.  Sam is now 7 years old.  The first 3 and a half years of his little life were tumultuous.  There were (and still are) days when he single handedly puts a smile on my face no matter what is going on around me.  Sam has a HUGE heart and the deepest sense of family.  He loves the Lord, and his very existence has kept all of us grounded at times when we could have easily fallen apart.  With that much purpose in his first 7 years, can you even imagine what God has planned for him in the future??

Sam was not my first exposure to plan b.........when my marriage to Lizzi and Abi's father fell apart, I had to surrender their older sister, Ashleigh to her mother in Georgia.  It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life.  Ash was 16 when I put her on that plane.  She left here not knowing if she would ever see any of us again, including her father.  She was 17 when her dad told me she was pregnant with Haley.  I was crushed.  I wanted so much more for her!  I wanted her to have an education and a life..........clearly God had other plans.  Again, one could argue that my oldest daughter was making some pretty crummy choices at that time.  One might REALLY argue that when a year later (nearly to the day!), Ashleigh gave birth to Autumn.  At the ripe young age of 18 she was mother of two and wife to my son-in-law Alex.  I was so very worried and felt so responsible for her demise.  But again, refer to the above scripture.  In 2009, Ashleigh returned to Kansas for the first time since I put her on that plane in 2000.  Her daughters are smart, beautiful and fun!  They have the cutest little Georgia accents.  And in the years since their birth, Ashleigh has had significant enough health problems that she would not have been able to have children later in her life.  She is a determined, driven young woman and an amazing momma.  She and Alex have weathered many storms together and cling to God for all that they need.  As it turns out, she has a life and an education that is a result of that life.  God knew things that I didn't. 

My best friend, Christy and I have traveled the paths of life together for nearly half of our lives.  I was 23 years old, married, and pregnant with Lizzi when Christy (at the ripe young age of 17) found out she was pregnant with Taylor (her now 16 yr. old son).  We often talk about how much we not only love our kids but ENJOY them the vast majority of the time.  There is not one second of one minute of one day in the last 16 years that Christy (or I) could imagine having ever lived without Taylor.  He is now stands over 6 ft. tall, plays starting center for the varsity football team, does well in school, and is an all around great kid.  Christy grew quickly into a wonderful mother and later added Kaylee to the mix.  She is now an amazing nurse as she went back to school eventually (as a single mom) and has been the ultimate example of tenacity and focus for all of our kids.

Don't get me wrong.  Plan b is almost never welcomed right at the moment it's being forced upon me, or those I love.  I'm outrageously guilty of not responding favorably to plan b most of the time.  But, I will tell you that most of my life is grounded in plan b-or what I tend to view as plan b (or even c,d, or e).  But according to Psalm 139, it's all about plan A.  God's plan. The days he laid out for me.  And the days he laid out for all of us.  The more I learn, the more grateful I am to not be in control, and the more grateful I am for God's grace, for the peace that comes from knowing that He's in the driver's seat.  I am exceedingly grateful that all things really do come together for good for those who love the Lord.  And truly excited to welcome little Sarai and help love and spoil her rotten!

Congratulations Kateri & Richard!  Welcome to the wonderful adventure that was plan A all along!  :)

Reflection......

I was recently given an assignment to read through each of the articles in the New Bible Dictionary regarding idolatry, obedience, and worship and reflect on how these tie into "right relationship with God".  As I read, I found myself nodding as my mind raced around the events of the last two or three years of my own life and relationship with God.  There was a point when I began to realize that God was really pushing, pulling, and tugging at my very core. One of my gifts is the ability to block things that have hurt me, I call it a gift because it allows me to reach a place of forgiveness.  However, the Holy Spirit began to take me on a backwards journey to highlight many key things (GOOD things) I had also blocked in the process.  It has been an amazing journey that brought me to this moment.  So, I thought I would share my thoughts from the assignment.

I opened to the article on idolatry as the commandment “thou shall have no other gods before me” ran through my head.  I knew what idolatry is, but there were some highlights that stood out in this article that I feel are critical to understand what God wants from us.  One of the most important being the “tendency to corrupt the use of something which in itself was lawful”.  This could mean any number of things.  There are MANY things, people, situations that we tend to place before God, often without even realizing what we are doing.  For me, this is often my family and friends.  I forget easily that they belong to God first, just as I do (A recent reminder of that fact hit hard from another friend's blog).  I often spend far more time worrying about what they want and need without stopping to pray and listen in consideration of what it is God wants in any given situation.  There is another point in the article where the statement is made: “though entirely subject to Yahweh, there are spiritual forces of evil, and the practice of idolatry brings men into deadly contact with these ‘gods’”.  Its crazy to think that seemingly innocent and appropriate things could bring us into contact with forces of evil, however, if we think about it anything that we place ahead of the Father can become a weapon for Satan’s use.  If my family’s wants and needs are before God, they form a gap that can hinder my role in God’s plan.  If God is God in all of the seemingly innocent and appropriate stuff, then my family’s needs are met and God’s plan is easily fulfilled as He takes care of all of us.

This easily carried me to the topic of obedience.  God has gently and lovingly, yet VERY firmly called me out of my comfort zone.  Obedience isn’t easy and I have spent far too much time arguing and debating with Him all the while feeling quite justified because of the seemingly innocent and appropriate things that hold great importance to me.  There was in this article one statement that spoke loud and clear to where I am today: “Christian obedience means imitating God in holiness and Christ in humility and love.  It springs from gratitude for grace received, not from the desire to gain merit and to justify oneself in God’s sight.”  The journey backwards served to reconnect me to many of the little moments when The Creator of the universe was lovingly guiding me and planting the seeds that would not only equip me for literal survival in severe adversity, but would later be foundations for much of my ministry. It could only bring me to grateful and humble obedience.  I will forever proclaim that it’s not always easy, and sometimes I question far more than I should.  The truth is, in light of all that He has done for me, He really asks very little.  My obedience and my adoration definitely springs from gratitude.

From the article on worship:  “Worship is human response to a gracious God, and it needs to be placed in this context if it is to be properly understood”.   I have found that in order for worship to be a true response to God’s grace, we must first recognize idolatry and become obedient.  It is dangerously easy to go through the motions of what many believe worship to be.  We can go to church, we can take communion, we can repent and be baptized, we can stand and lift our hands in praise, and we can put a smile on as we gather as a body of believers.  However, if we are not truly responding to God’s gift of grace through Jesus by our very obedience then we are continuing in what I believe is often unrecognized idolatry.  The seemingly innocent and appropriate things can easily hinder our response to God and at the same time hinder our reward.  I think this is something we struggle with daily by our very human nature.

Having a “right relationship” with God is a statement that I sometimes struggle with.  I think that God wants us to be in relationship with Him no matter what is going on with us.  I believe that even when my life was a mess, my relationship with God was solid.  Many wouldn’t view that as “right”.  I questioned, and yelled in anger…..but He listened, He loved me through every storm.  When I couldn’t hear Him, I knew He was there.  Most importantly, when I questioned His whereabouts, I knew that He knew mine.  That, to me, is just as “right” as being in obedience when it comes to relationship with God.  Relationship with God is right, He wants us as He created us.  With that said, life in obedience and worship….true recognition and response to the grace that allows me the latter, is FAR more peaceful.  I wonder sometimes if we will ever find ourselves free of all idolatry in this life.  Given how easily the seemingly innocent and appropriate can get in the way, I am ever more grateful for grace.

Summer Busyness, Birthdays, Baptism, and Casey Anthony

Summer is incredibly busy at our house-okay, who am I kidding??  It’s always incredibly busy at our house!  Summer, however, is a different kind of busy.  I LOVE summer!  The sun is one of my very best friends and I love that it sticks around longer.  I love days at the local pool with Christy and the kids, and am especially happy when Angie gets to break free to join us.  I love mornings on the back patio with my coffee (and homework these days) and evenings outside as the sunsets and the temperature drops just enough.  Sounds so smooth and relaxing, doesn’t it??  Now, add in summer rec, baseball, softball, 2 kids with jobs, 2 with classes, me with classes and a practicum, AND our regular jobs.  WHEW!  Needless to say, I am exhausted and desperately in need of a haircut and an afternoon by the pool!  Notice I didn’t even mention a vacation……..that’s because I’m too tired to even think about packing a bag. 

Baseball and softball have ended.  Sam and Emily both had fun seasons with some good wins and some great lessons.  Striking out isn’t the end of the world, and batting sessions with Debby ROCK!  Summer rec ends Friday.  Kaylie has made some VERY cute ceramics and will participate in the production with the theatre group on Thursday.  Sam has gone on some fun field trips and gained the independence of riding his bike to the rec center.  Abi has been babysitting, working a little bit for summer rec, survived driver’s ed and brought home her certificate last Friday.  I suppose this means we have another driver in the house (and the Dr. asked me what I was stressed about? HA!).  Lizzi has discovered that being a grown up probably really does suck.  Working two jobs to pay for her car and taking college algebra, she’s finding that responsibility sucks.  J  She is, however, taking it all in stride AND surviving the algebra!

July begins with Abi’s birthday on the 2^nd.  I’m not sure who thought it would be okay for her to turn 15 and start driving this summer (she already seems to think she’s at least 25)……but, I can assure you, it was NOT me.  It continues to elude me how it all goes by so quickly.  I have to confess that she’s become a fascinating young lady (I am probably using “lady” a bit loosely, ha!).  She’s gritty, smart, assertive, opinionated, quick witted, and quite entertaining when she remembers to use her “powers” for good.  She loves with all she has and expects nothing less from those she chooses to surround herself with.  Sometimes her mouth works faster than her brain (okay, most of the time), but she’s learning.  I admire her fearlessness and as her mom it terrifies me at the same time.  She’s beautiful inside and out.  And, even though 15 has come much quicker than I would like, I’m blessed to say that not only do I love her because she’s my daughter, but I enjoy her company and value her friendship.  Abi has an innate ability to impact the people around her and someday God is going to put her to work doing just that. 

This summer the next thing on the calendar was Praise in the Park with our church family at Mulvane United Methodist Church.  We gathered in the city part Sunday morning at 9am for a morning of praise and worship.  This is exciting for a couple of reasons.  We normally have 3 separate services, but on this day we all worshiped together.  AND, the best part…….Sam was baptized…..because he asked to be.  He loves the Lord, has asked Jesus to be his savior, and he has asked Pastor Rick (ok, pestered him to death!) to PLEASE baptize him.  SO, the long awaited day finally arrived, and what and AMAZING day it was!  Because we were at the park, and because Sam wanted to be dunked (like his sisters and Jesus), a stock tank was brought in (Thank you Jim McDaniel!) and a fire truck came to fill it (Thanks Fred Herschee!).  The praise band played and led as we worshiped together, the choir sang, PR preached (God spoke loud and clear!) on the topic of worship, and our Sam proclaimed his faith and was baptized surrounded by lots of friends and family.  What pure joy to see the smile on his face as he came out of the water!   I share often that Sam was not part of my life’s plan.  He came along at a time when my life was a complicated mess, and furthermore, I was done having babies.  Or so I thought.  As it turns out, God had bigger and better plans.  He always does.  Sam has been an incredible gift.  Not only does he ground ME and make ME smile at times when no one else can, but he seems to impact others in that way as well.  He has a huge heart and a tender spirit and I know God has big plans for him.  It makes my heart smile to know that all five of our kids have proclaimed their faith and been baptized by choice.

Next on the July schedule is Lizzi’s birthday.  She seems to think that she gets to turn 17.  I’m really struggling with the idea that somehow the calendar has more control over these things than I do.  Here she is wrapping up her first college class, thinking and planning ahead (like she thinks she’s gonna be a senior this year or something!), and I’m looking at her and wondering where it all went.  Her childhood has flown by and the last bit of it is slipping through my fingers.  Talking with her is like talking to a bright young woman…….where the heck is my little girl??  The beauty of Lizzi, though, is that the free spirited, happy, high energy little girl is still there.  She carries herself with the grace of her grandmother (for whom she was named) and at the same time bounces through life with a pure and genuine joy.  Her energy is contagious and she has a positive affect (most of the time, ha!) on the people around her.  When stress hits, she melts down and pulls it together quickly.  She, like her sister, loves with all she has and is deeply dedicated to friends and family.  She is quickly becoming a responsible and confident young woman.  I’m blessed to get to say that while I love her because she’s my daughter, I enjoy her company and value her friendship also.  How blessed am I to get to claim that of BOTH of my girls??? 

This leads me to my thoughts on Casey Anthony.  As I consider my children and how much I love and value ALL of them (not just the 3 I gave birth to, but all the bonus kids I love and claim as well), it is incredibly difficult for me to swallow the idea of any mother taking the life of her child.  I didn’t follow the trial because not only did I simply not have time, but I had no desire.  The little bits I picked up were devastatingly sad, and I simply could not comprehend it.  Many were outraged when she was not convicted.  Many made statements regarding the fact that she would eventually be judged by God.  At the risk of stepping on some toes, I might point out that eventually we will ALL be judged by God.  And let me also point out that Jesus died for us ALL, including Casey Anthony, regardless of our sin so that we could be forgiven.  So while I struggle with the whole story, the one thing I know is that it is not my place to point fingers.  God knows the truth and so does Casey Anthony.  We will never have the whole story, nor do we need to.  Our job is to love each other through life’s storms.  That means even Case Anthony.  So I haven’t reposted memorials of her daughter, or condemnations because it breaks my heart deeply, as a mom who is absolutely smitten with my children.  Whatever the truth is in ANY case of child abuse, there is plenty of shame and guilt.  I would challenge those who were impacted enough to invest time in reading and following that trial to pray for Casey Anthony for just a fraction of the time you have already spent watching her demise.  I’m not saying she is innocent or guilty.  I am saying, however, she is hurting either way.  So, let us walk humbly.  Save judgment for God.  Cherish our children.  And pray.

Wichita Fire Department Puts Out Burning Bush.........REALLY???

On Tuesday afternoon at work the radio was on but I wasn't really listening to it.  I was sitting in the little closet that we generously call my office when my coworker, Monique, spins around and exclaims "the Wichita fire department put out a burning bush!!!" her eyes filled with amusement and surprise.  I tuned in immediately to where she was going with "uh..aren't ya supposed to take your shoes off and listen??"  We had a good laugh as I continued with "I've been looking for one of those things for years and they go and break out the water hose....are you kidding me??"  VERY funny stuff!  We have continued to laugh and joke about it, but I have to admit.........it made me think. 

For years I have said to God "Can I PLEEAASSEE just have a burning bush???  Moses got one, and he was no more perfect than I am.....PLEEEEAAASSEE????"  Every time I have been faced with a tough situation and seeking answers...not necessarily as to why, but simply as to what action to take next, this has been my plea with God.  My friend Debby has told me many times that I've been given "burning bushes" I just don't always see them as such.  My argument to that has and will probably always be that I don't want a figurative version, I want the real deal.....ya know, the kind with flames and God's audible voice telling me exactly what He wants.  I get tired of waiting patiently (okay, let's be real I know I don't wait patiently) for signs that I have to figure out or that still small voice that I'm often too busy talking to hear.  So, seriously, can I just have a talking, burning bush???  Moses got one, why can't I??  Sounds like a bratty child doesn't it?  Like when Kelly got a bunny but I couldn't get a puppy, or like when Lizzi gets to stay out later than Abi.....

Truth be told, Moses argued with God.  Seriously!  Burning bush and all.....he argued.  He felt inadequate to do what God was asking him to do and he gave God every reason he could think of to get out of it.  Moses-"I stutter" God-"I'll send Aaron to do the talking"  Moses-"no one will believe me"  God-"I will perform signs and miracles so they will believe"  Moses-"Please send someone else"  In fact, he argued with God to the point that God was flat ticked off and ready to kill him (literally).  By the time he finally accepted that arguing with God was futile, he was in his eighties when he went to Egypt and confronted Pharaoh.  The journey that followed was a rugged and amazing forty year hike through the wilderness, where God provided for all of the needs of His people and yes, continued to reveal Himself in miraculous ways.

So, I have to wonder......what would happen if God really appeared in a burning bush today?  I'm gonna guess that I would probably argue just like Moses did.  I argue with the figurative burning bushes in my life and I argue with the still small voice too.  It seems like God is forever trying to drag me out of my comfort zone.  He's always challenging me to think outside of the box and allow Him to reveal Himself in ways we might not expect.  When I shut up and quit  arguing I am continually amazed and I wonder why I ever hesitate........but I do, until I stop and think about the fact that I don't want to wait until I'm eighty to get started on what God has planned for me.  Quite frankly, by the time I'm eighty I would like to be relaxing some place warm and sunny, or better yet, in heaven.  And honestly....in this day and age.....I have to admit that if He appeared in a burning bush.......odds are the fire department would put a quick end to it.  Sounds crazy, but think about it for a moment.  Would you stop to listen if you saw a burning bush?  Or would you grab the water hose without giving it a second thought?

I will confess that I am learning to appreciate the figurative burning bushes in my life, and I'm getting better at recognizing them.  I can't say I don't argue....I shouldn't, but I still do sometimes.  What I CAN say, though, is that I've learned that tremendous peace comes from obedience.  I'm learning how limited I really am by myself, but (as Pastor Rick put it this morning) when I am "connected to the power source" and allow the Holy Spirit to take over amazing things happen.  I worry less, celebrate more, and the next right step is always figured out for me all I have to do is obey.  (Preferably before I'm EIGHTY!)

It Makes Me Think.........

Like many others, I greeted the pending rapture on May 21st with sarcasm and a certain amount of righteous indignation (or I would like to call it that, anyway).  Who the heck does this Harold Camping guy think he is??  The night before, Kurt was watching the news and I was half heartedly listening as he was interviewed regarding the expected event.  He one moment compared himself to Noah, and then, when asked about his failed prediction in 1994, compared himself to Benjamin Franklin?  Something along the lines of the idea that Ben Franklin didn't get the light bulb right the first time either.......um, excuse me sir, but Ben Franklin was INVENTING electricity, are you now INVENTING the rapture??  We laughed almost to tears!

I will, however, say that the whole thing had me thinking.  Jesus stated plainly in Matthew 24:36-39:    ³⁶ "But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son,^[a] but only the Father. ³⁷ As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. ³⁸ For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; ³⁹ and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man."  So, there it is.  That man is one of the nutty people that make it so very difficult for many to trust Christians.  Even Mahatma Gandhi says "I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians.  Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."  Sad that Camping isn't the first and won't be the last of his kind.  Tragic that so many are misled.

So, on the morning of the anticipated rapture as I drove to work I was thinking and praying about all of this.  As I pulled up to the toll booth to exit the turnpike I was greeted (as always) with a smiling face who happily took my fifty cents as she wished me a good day.  (I take the turnpike every day.  Yes, I know it saves me a little change to get a K-tag, but honestly, I really enjoy seeing the people who work there.  They smile, say good morning, never mention laundry, homework, or a lack of milk in the fridge.  They wish me a good day and I wish them the same, then off to work I go.  It's a glorious start to my day.  I only wish they served Starbucks, it would save me a stop.)  On this particular day, though, I found myself wondering if she knew Jesus.........AND, if there really was a rapture would I see her there?  AND, would she be surprised to see me?  OR, would she think "of course she's here!  I recognized Jesus in her all along!"  What about others?  What does my life say to them?  Am I a Christian that validates Mahatma Gandhi's statement or am I a Christian who might make him think twice? 

Furthermore, what exactly does a Christian look like that might make Mahatma Gandhi rethink his words?  Well, the answer to that was, of course, given to us by Jesus in John 13:34-35: ³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  Paul reminds us again and again of how we should treat one another.  One of my favorites being Ephesians 4:32: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

It's true that some days are harder than others.  Humans are messy.  We step on each other's toes, hurt each other's feelings, and even break each other's hearts sometimes.  It's easy to get caught up in our emotions, good or bad.  It's easy to forget that love is a verb.  And, it's easy to forget who is really in charge.  Sometimes we get in the way and struggle to let God be God in every situation.  For this, there is the grace of a loving heavenly Father.  And for this we can offer each other grace.  For this, I am grateful every single day.

The real deal is this:  Guys like Mahatma Gandhi and others who "like Christ" but not necessarily Christians don't realize that they "like" Him because He was God in flesh..........think about that for a moment.......OF COURSE PEOPLE "LIKE" HIM!  He's the creator of the universe, who wouldn't look back on His life and teaching and at the very least "like" Him???  He loved completely and unconditionally.  He instructed us to live better, but showed love in spite of sin.  He lived what He taught to the point of death.  When he rose and returned to heaven to be with the Father, He sent His spirit in His place.   SO, if we have committed to follow Him......if we allow His Holy Spirit to lead, guide, and live in us........if we are truly following His commandment and instruction in how we live our daily lives......then we will be the kind of Christians that make Mahatma Gandhi eat his words.  AND, we will be the kind of Christians that cause others to want to know Jesus well enough to fall in love with Him as we have, not merely "like" the man that He was, but LOVE and KNOW the God that He IS still to this day.

So, it's food for thought.  Clearly, God is in charge and I'm so glad that He is.  Because if my life had gone according to my own agenda I would have missed out on so very much.  And because of all that He's given me, I want to live in a way that lets others see that He is bigger and mightier than the chaos of humans, in spite of the Harold Campings of the world. 

Parenting, Family, Grace, and Osama Bin Laden

My heart is heavy and my mind is consumed.  I want to write about the things that I am wrestling with, but it's so hard to sort it all out.  I don't rest in my sleep, my focus is off, and I am unable to find resolution.  Needless to say, I haven't accomplished much in the last couple of weeks.

I might have mentioned before that I spent the better part of 14 years as a single mom (even when I wasn't technically single).  And maybe I have even mentioned that I've been a step-mom (a single step-mom, at that!), and am currently a step-mom (not single this time, praise God!), and often a surrogate mom.  So, one might think that by now I would have figured some things out, and I suppose that I have.  Well, at least one thing.... and that is that each kid is significantly different and has different needs.....and therefore they cannot all be parented the same. There are many things that can be consistant.....but, the only thing that is truly consistant is change.  In other words, ya just gotta learn to roll with whatever comes along, and think on yer feet.  I don't think there is a formula to "right" parenting.  I do, however, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that parenting is not effective without God.

My husband and I have five kids at home, Lizzi (16), Abi (14), Emily (13), Kaylie (11) and Sam (7).  With them come a handful of what I lovingly call “bonus kids” (a term I stole from my sister) who come and go regularly and who seem to have found a safe place here in our home.  Then, there is my oldest (step-daughter, but we never used that term), Ashleigh, who lives in Georgia with her husband and 2 beautiful daughters (and yes, that makes me a gramma, lol).  My girls’ father is deceased as a result of alcohol abuse.  My son’s biological father is not allowed to participate in his life due to similar and other issues.  My step-daughters spend half the week with us and half with their mom (who partners well with Kurt in parenting them, considering all the bouncing back and forth).  Among the bonus kids are parents with addiction, divorce and bouncing between homes, single moms, abusive parents, and even foster parents and imprisoned parents.  My husband and I were raised by Christian parents who love each other to this day and never wavered from their wedding vows or their commitment to their children.  Given the dynamics of the lives of our children, we have learned that we cannot parent like our parents did.  In fact, one of the scariest parts of parenting this bunch of kids is that we can in no way relate to much of what causes them to feel alone.  What we can do is come alongside them and love them in a manner that projects to them who God is, which means unconditionally.  It doesn’t mean that we don’t set boundaries and guidelines and expectations.  There is definite need for them to know right and wrong, and recognize the power of truth over lies.  We spend alot of time talking about choices and the consequences that come with them (both good and bad), focusing on the fact that someone else's bad choice doesn't justify a bad choice on our part.  Loving them unconditionally means teaching them that who they are is not defined by their mistakes or the mistakes of others (grace), and helping them stand and become rooted in Jesus.  Showing them how to love as Jesus loved and helping to develop roots that lead to an unbreakable core, so that when life happens they will place their trust in God, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is there with them no matter the circumstances, and therefore, enabling them to make solid choices throughout their lives.

Over the years I have taught my girls that friends are the family you choose, and then there are the relatives.  Ha!  It sounds funny, but we all have those family members that rub us wrong and we love them anyway....why?  Because they are family!  How?  By learning to know them beyond the annoying surface, because let's face it......the ones that rub us wrong probably married in and we have to take time to learn why our beloved family member fell for them, OR we married into them. Which brings us to "never judge a book by it's cover" and "there's always more to the story".  I try to encourage them to look deeper, not only with family, but with others in general.  So, here it is again.  Grace. 

Last week in class our professor commented that it is easy to show grace and mercy to someone who is humble, but not so much to someone who is judging you.  Clearly we want to judge them for being judgemental, but they deserve God's mercy too.  My response to that was "God's mercy, yes.  Shelly's mercy might be a whole different story."  I kind of have to giggle when I consider the look he gave me as he moved past my comment.  But, the truth is that I was speaking from deep pain.  In the last year I have felt judged more times than I care to count by a small group of relatives (ya know, the family you don't choose) who do not know me or seem to want to know me, they weren't around during the first 14 years of my parenting life, and really aren't involved now.  People seem to prefer to stir the pot with half truths fostered by teenage drama than take the time to find out the whole truth.  And in the last two weeks it has become hurtful to my husband and my daughters.  I am hurt and angry.  How can I possibly show grace, when what I want to say is "hey, if ya want to come run my house you are welcome to start with the laundry"????  Especially when we have tried to offer open communication (which I struggle with, since I don't feel I need to seek approval of my household operations from anyone other than the man I chose to marry).  For those who read my Good Friday post, I'm feeling a bit like Mary.........only I'm clinging to a big rock to throw back at my accusers.  How do I drop this rock and lift my eyes to find the gentle gaze of the Savior when all I hear is "stone her!!"?? And honestly, who am I kidding?  I barely have strength left to hold the rock.  I can't possibly throw it no matter how badly I want to.  And yet, if I let go of the rock I wish to throw, then I can look to the rock on which I stand and find strength to be more productive than rock throwing.  Remember?  Mary was among the first to know Jesus has risen.  Aaahh, AMAZING GRACE.  Stay focused, and breathe, whatever you do...don't pick the rock back up.  Just keep taking the next right step (a precious relative who I choose to call friend taught me that line), and I have learned over the years that the next right step is never easy, but I have also learned that it nearly always provides eventual peace.  The challenge is usually in hearing God's instruction as to what the next right step is, so sometimes I have to stand in one place, shut my mouth, and listen patiently (I might have also mentioned that I am NOT the most patient little critter on the planet!).

The glorious thing about grace is that it is an unearned gift.  We can't earn it.  And since it was freely given to us, we must also pass it on.  Humans are messy and complicated, and sometimes never fully understood by each other.  For this reason, I am deeply grateful in the midst of my wrestling for a mighty God, who, by grace.......offers me peace.  In that gratitude I seek to act and react accordingly.  This morning in the bright sun light and the cool breeze God gently reminded me of much darker storms that He alone carried me and my children through.  I am blessed beyond measure, and grateful even as I struggle to reconcile God's grace with that of my own.  I can honestly share that even in my pain and anger, I trust Him.  Through Him I can and will find peace and the capacity to forgive.

Finally, this week the longest game of Hide and Seek known to most of us came to an end when Navy Seals put an end to the life of Osama Bin Laden.  It seems unreal.  Abi didn't even know who he was (let us realize she was 4 at the time of 9/11).  I haven't watched any of the news coverage.  I saw Obama give his big speech and became annoyed that there are those who will give him far more credit than he deserves.  Beyond that, I struggled, like many Christians with how rejoicing in the death of this evil man balanced with my faith.  The conclusion that I have come to is that we ought to walk humbly.  Grateful for the peace that comes from a great big mighty God, who can provide us with the means to conquer enemies in order to provide safety and comfort for His people (again......grace), and yet remembering that pride comes before a fall.  I am grateful everyday for the men and women who willingly serve and for the sacrafices made.  May God continue to bless the USA and grant us continued safety.  (And maybe lower gas prices?  LOL)

I guess it simply comes down to this:  Walk humbly.  Let God be the judge.  And in faith, continue to seek the next right step, no matter the storm you may be in the midst of right now.   There is grace to be felt by ALL.  We are not alone.  Jesus said "be of good cheer for I have overcome the world". 

Good Friday..........

When I got the call asking me to read the part of Mary Magdalene in the Good Friday service at our church I was like a giddy little girl!  And when I hung up the phone and explained to my daughters who she was and my delight in the privilege of portraying her the response was "you're going to play a whore in church?"  followed by laughter and further delight in the joy of sweet release.  What amazing love Jesus has for us and how precious His grace truly is!

You see, Mary M. is the woman who was dragged by the "religious" folks to the square where Jesus was because she had been caught in the act of adultery.  The law said that she was to be stoned and this was their way of challenging Jesus.  I have to wonder how many of those men who were ready to stone her had indulged in her "services".  I can only imagine her fear and her feelings of inadequacy and that she probably felt condemned and deserving of death.  I imagine that in many ways death might have seemed like a way out of the mess she had lived in for some time.  I picture her broken in spirit and physically worn and exhausted, huddled in the midst of this crowd at the feet of Jesus. I'm certain she anticipated harsh judgement and physical pain that probably would pale in comparison to the deep soul pain she already lived with as they presented the question of punishment to this man who had already begun to radically change the face of "religion".  And then..........in a manner which only Jesus could, he softly spoke "let him who is without sin cast the first stone".  In the moments that followed the crowd began one by one to drop their stones, acutely aware of their own short comings and realizing their own need for grace.  As I consider what Mary must have felt lifting her face to realize there was no one left to accuse her, it hits the deepest part of me every single time I consider her story how freeing it must have been when Jesus looked into her eyes and said "go, and sin no more".  He saved her life, and offered her a new one.  Just like that.

So, tonight I portrayed her in her grief.  She had again been at the feet of Jesus, only this time it was His life they were after and there was nothing she could do to save this man who had rescued her in so many ways.  How awful and how deeply painful it must have been to see Him suffer and wait there at the foot of the cross.  To hold His mother as they wept and to watch as guards cast lots for his clothing.  How empty and scared they all must have felt.  And being held to custom, they couldn't even tend to his body.......

THEN, after the Sabbath had passed this "whore" (as my daughters so eloquently put it) was among the women who went to the tomb, intending to care for His body, only to find herself among the first to know that He had risen.  Just as He said that He would.  Now, not only had He rescued her here on this earth, but He had provided her a bridge to eternity.  Really??  From the reputation of a whore, to a follower and servant of Jesus, to a place with the Father in heaven.  In my mind there is no rags to riches story that compares.  And the most beautiful part?  It can be everyone's story. 

I love this story.  Mary Magdalene is by far my favorite.  Jesus did alot of radical things.  He operated WAY outside of the box.  He performed miracle after miracle.  But on that day, He simply met Mary and everyone in that square right where they were in that moment.  It was life changing for her.  Today, His grace is life changing for me and anyone else who will allow themselves to experience it fully.

In my mind, we all play a part in the story of Mary on some level.  Not because we are all out committing sexual sin, but we all have junk in our lives.  Maybe we are playing the role of the judge in spite of our own sin, or maybe we are simply so deep into our own mess that we couldn't look up even if we wanted to.  And maybe, just maybe in the sweet presence of Jesus we can drop our stones or pick up our face to see gentle forgiveness and grace.  Because we, too, can go away changed forever by a loving savior and an empty tomb.

As Good Friday comes to a close and the last words of Jesus on the cross, "It is finished", stick in my mind, and as we look forward to Sunday morning and the celebration of His resurrection, I pray heavily for peace and lift my face to look into the face of a radical savior who went the distance.  May we all experience that sweet release that Mary Magdalene found.  Happy Easter! :)

A Little Piece of My Journey.........

A couple of months ago I was presented with the opportunity to read "Real Church" by Dr. Larry Crabb.  I was particularly intrigued with this book when it was randomly added to the materials for the class I was taking.  I have been a Christian my whole life.  I’m blessed to have grown up with Christian parents who lived up to their wedding vows as well as their commitment to Jesus.  There is no doubt that when God called my mother home, she ran right into His arms!  I have loved God and have both questioned and blindly trusted Him through some pretty big storms in my life.  I love His music, His word, and His people (ALL of them).  I spent a good number of years away from church in spite of my relationship with God and all its ups and downs.  And I must confess, though I want to lead and be a part of the solution, I still often struggle with church.

Dr. Crabb boldly states “I don’t much like going to church.” (pg.xiv)  I was so relieved to see those words in print and from someone who is a renowned author and teacher!  Delighted to know that I am not alone, I had to read and absorb every word on every page.  It spoke loud and clear and helped me to process my own feelings about church.  In this statement he captured much of what I have felt for years……he says “My soul aches to be part not of man-made systems, buildings, programs, and staff, but of a living, listening, loving, longing community of people who share life together as participants in divine life, people who are learning to live loved and who, therefore, are profoundly changing.”  (pg. xxiii)  There it is!  That’s what I want!  As I stated before, I love God’s people (ALL of them).  I need and want to be near them, especially those who are seeking and may not even know yet that they belong to God.  I draw my energy from people, so why is church nothing more than an annoying obligation rather  than a place of spiritual growth??

Dr. Crabb shares a story of a young woman who he led to Jesus and invited to church.  When she came to his church she was greeted by an elder who noticeably looked down upon her as he insisted she put a doily on her head.  He witnessed the interaction and watched as the girl exited during the final prayer and realized that the elder’s greeting “reflected a general attitude among the leaders of that congregation that following church order as they understood it trumped loving new believers”.  He didn’t go back.  I can’t help but think that this type of occurrence is all too typical.  How often do we let formalities get in the way of simply loving each other in the manner which Jesus loved?  How many times do we allow our systems to alienate the lost even more?  And beyond the new believers and those who are seeking, how many Christians fall out because the system is unforgiving and unaccepting?  One of the things I most dislike about church is that we often get so caught up in schedule and formalities that we miss what the Holy Spirit has to offer in that moment and we miss all that other believers have to offer in their brokenness.  In my mind many of our formalities build walls and leave people closed both to each other and to all that God has to offer.

I appreciate the journey in section one regarding “why” we should go to church.  Dr. Crabb addresses answers to that question that don’t work for him and quite frankly, don’t work for me. 

1.        It has not been my experience that going to church “made my life better”.  Simply attending church on Sunday morning has not one time been the thing that brought healing for me.  Healing has proven to be a process of clinging to God, seeking His spirit, and the open hearted love of certain ones of His people who were willing to be open.  I do, however, long to reach that level of loving myself for God’s sake……I just don’t see mere church attendance taking me there.

2.       I have not seen my church changing our world in ways that any good hearted atheist couldn’t.  As Dr. Crabb points out, people can do good works without Jesus.  We can “be missional for God without being close to God”.  We can manufacture experiences with music, lighting, and even powerful sermons that leave us feeling as if we have “experienced God” and motivate us to reach out.  However, as Dr. Crabb points out, if we aren’t grounded in God’s hope we become “addicted” to the need to be emotionally stimulated at all times in order to do God’s work.  I agree that God wants our hearts and He wants us to be faithful in hope at all times, even when we can’t “feel” Him.

3.       I do think that church can lead a person to salvation, but most don’t go deep enough to guide me through righteous living.  Not because the sermons are lacking or the praise and worship isn’t “right”.  Because most members seem to be far too busy guarding their walls and making sure everything appears as it should.  It seems that most are not willing to reveal their reality in order to allow us to effectively bond as a family and grow as God would have us grow.   There isn’t a connection beyond the surface that inspires and challenges me.  I want to know the hearts of others and I want to share mine.  I want us to genuinely love each other through life’s moments in the way that Jesus loves, without requirement.  I feel like grace is missing.

As I read on into the kind of church Dr. Crabb describes that he would want to go to I found myself nodding almost constantly in agreement.  Finally!  Someone has verbalized all that I’m feeling and had not found words for!  I desperately want to be surrounded by believers that not only know I’m a mess and that God is love, but who will openly acknowledge that we are ALL a mess!  Dr. Crabb states “I want to know that I’m seen and still wanted, that I can drop the pretense, shed the masks, and enjoy the soul-enlivening experience of looking bad in the presence of love.”  (Just before that he reminded us that God is love.  Pg. 60)

In the eyes of my heart one of the most amazing things about Jesus as He walked this earth was the way that He met people right where they were in life.  I often think of Mary and how she must have felt surrounded by a crowd of people ready to stone her (probably many of them men who had indulged in her “services”).  Can you imagine looking into the face of Jesus as He challenged them all in their own sin and as He released her of hers??  He knew she was a mess and He knew her condemners were each a mess of their own.  He met them ALL right where they needed to be met on that day.  

I stated earlier that I grew up in a Christian home.  I knew all the right things to say and all the “buzz words” and clichés.  The word grace has been in my vocabulary forever (seriously!), but I didn’t comprehend it until it took over my whole existence when my marriage fell apart at the hands of my husbands alcoholism.  Dr. Crabb makes the statement that “grace has no felt power in our lives until it surprises the hell out of us”.  YES!  It is so true!  I didn’t know God or His grace like I thought I did until I began to really talk to God about what was going on in me AND to allow His Holy Spirit to take over and minister to me in ways I could have never experienced without the deep, empty, “soul pain” I was experiencing at that time of my life.  Sadly, this was not something I was able to find help with in church.  I found my help in God, but certainly not in a body of believers who couldn’t get past the surface to pray with me or for me or to even attempt to see what was happening and allow me to feel loved and wanted in spite of the mess that was my life.

The truth is that I could take this book chapter by chapter, even page by page and apply it to my life and that of my church.  I wholly believe that most if not all churches should take a closer look at how we relate to one another.  I believe that the universal church as a whole does a fine job at doing great deeds.  We feed the hungry, we shelter the homeless, we care for the sick.  We do numerous outreach projects like school supplies and mitten trees and coat drives.  We send our people out to do all kinds of community service and mission work.  The real question for me is what are we doing for each other?  What are we doing within our body of believers to grow and develop spiritually?  Why can’t we get past the surface of people’s lives and meet the needs of the believers so that in everyday life, believers can meet others where they are and said “others” can come into the body and love and be loved and grow to go out and do the same…….isn’t that what Jesus modeled for us??  Many, if not most churches are good (even great) at bringing people in the doors.  I want a church that goes deeper.  I want a church that will somehow find a way past all the plastic on the surface and create a bond that forms a true church family where folks live and love and grow and share.  A family that brings in new members and shares the love that Jesus lived.  Where is it??

As I read “Real Church” and identified repeatedly with Dr. Crabb I found myself on a journey that helped me to resolve some of my own feelings and thoughts.  I still struggle with church.  I’m still struggling to understand my own calling from God particularly where my church is concerned.  However, just as Dr. Crabb seemed to verbalize all my thoughts and feelings as to why I struggle, he also had these words which seem to portray where I am today.  He states on page 145 regarding “real church”:  “Can I find it?  Here’s a better question!  Could I stop complaining about what I find missing in church and stop criticizing what I think is wrong and instead, start celebrating whatever God is doing (He’s not on vacation, waiting for renewed energy to get back in the battle) and start contributing to wherever it’s happening?”  I even wrote in the margin next to this “me” and underlined it.  I mused at Dr. Crabb’s analogies of “Elijah Syndrome” and “Jonah Syndrome”.  It struck home as I have recently referred to my own church as my “Ninevah”.  I often wonder, why bother when nobody seems interested in going deeper.  If they are so satisfied, then why would God ask me to digging??  Clearly it’s because he wants us all to move into “Jesus Syndrome”.  I cannot, nor would I want to deny that.  So, here I am.  Attending regularly and seeking to seize every opportunity to connect with people in the body that is the church just as I have done outside of the church, finding ways to meet people where they are.  The phrase that resonates with me as I continue on my journey particularly regarding church is “if you aren’t part of the solution, you become part of the problem”.

As Dr. Crabb wrapped things up, he made four clear points.  I underlined statements in all four. (pg. 152)

1.        “A real church knows that tough times are ahead, already present for many, tough times that serve a purpose in God’s perfect plan.”

2.       “A real church pleads with God’s Spirit, the Spirit of holiness, to keep spiritually forming its people until they see Jesus as their supreme treasure no matter how they feel or how others treat them or how their lives are going.”

3.       “A real church aims toward spiritual community, where souls connect, where shame weakens, where sin surfaces, where failure meets grace, where irritations soften, where holy desire grows.”

4.       “A real church knows that doing good in this world has little redemptive power unless the do gooders know Jesus, resemble Jesus, and are relating like Jesus in the energy of Jesus, in their homes and churches first, and then in the culture around them.”

One of the most important things I have discovered in my journey regarding church is that I want these things from church from such a deep place in me that I have become willing to accept God’s call on me to help make it happen in whatever way He chooses to put me to work, even if it is in “Ninevah”.  So, as Dr. Crabb requested on page 154, I will continue to pray for revival.  We should all pray for revival in our own lives and in our own churches as well as in the universal church.  Join me?