Parenting, Family, Grace, and Osama Bin Laden

My heart is heavy and my mind is consumed.  I want to write about the things that I am wrestling with, but it's so hard to sort it all out.  I don't rest in my sleep, my focus is off, and I am unable to find resolution.  Needless to say, I haven't accomplished much in the last couple of weeks.

I might have mentioned before that I spent the better part of 14 years as a single mom (even when I wasn't technically single).  And maybe I have even mentioned that I've been a step-mom (a single step-mom, at that!), and am currently a step-mom (not single this time, praise God!), and often a surrogate mom.  So, one might think that by now I would have figured some things out, and I suppose that I have.  Well, at least one thing.... and that is that each kid is significantly different and has different needs.....and therefore they cannot all be parented the same. There are many things that can be consistant.....but, the only thing that is truly consistant is change.  In other words, ya just gotta learn to roll with whatever comes along, and think on yer feet.  I don't think there is a formula to "right" parenting.  I do, however, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that parenting is not effective without God.

My husband and I have five kids at home, Lizzi (16), Abi (14), Emily (13), Kaylie (11) and Sam (7).  With them come a handful of what I lovingly call “bonus kids” (a term I stole from my sister) who come and go regularly and who seem to have found a safe place here in our home.  Then, there is my oldest (step-daughter, but we never used that term), Ashleigh, who lives in Georgia with her husband and 2 beautiful daughters (and yes, that makes me a gramma, lol).  My girls’ father is deceased as a result of alcohol abuse.  My son’s biological father is not allowed to participate in his life due to similar and other issues.  My step-daughters spend half the week with us and half with their mom (who partners well with Kurt in parenting them, considering all the bouncing back and forth).  Among the bonus kids are parents with addiction, divorce and bouncing between homes, single moms, abusive parents, and even foster parents and imprisoned parents.  My husband and I were raised by Christian parents who love each other to this day and never wavered from their wedding vows or their commitment to their children.  Given the dynamics of the lives of our children, we have learned that we cannot parent like our parents did.  In fact, one of the scariest parts of parenting this bunch of kids is that we can in no way relate to much of what causes them to feel alone.  What we can do is come alongside them and love them in a manner that projects to them who God is, which means unconditionally.  It doesn’t mean that we don’t set boundaries and guidelines and expectations.  There is definite need for them to know right and wrong, and recognize the power of truth over lies.  We spend alot of time talking about choices and the consequences that come with them (both good and bad), focusing on the fact that someone else's bad choice doesn't justify a bad choice on our part.  Loving them unconditionally means teaching them that who they are is not defined by their mistakes or the mistakes of others (grace), and helping them stand and become rooted in Jesus.  Showing them how to love as Jesus loved and helping to develop roots that lead to an unbreakable core, so that when life happens they will place their trust in God, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is there with them no matter the circumstances, and therefore, enabling them to make solid choices throughout their lives.

Over the years I have taught my girls that friends are the family you choose, and then there are the relatives.  Ha!  It sounds funny, but we all have those family members that rub us wrong and we love them anyway....why?  Because they are family!  How?  By learning to know them beyond the annoying surface, because let's face it......the ones that rub us wrong probably married in and we have to take time to learn why our beloved family member fell for them, OR we married into them. Which brings us to "never judge a book by it's cover" and "there's always more to the story".  I try to encourage them to look deeper, not only with family, but with others in general.  So, here it is again.  Grace. 

Last week in class our professor commented that it is easy to show grace and mercy to someone who is humble, but not so much to someone who is judging you.  Clearly we want to judge them for being judgemental, but they deserve God's mercy too.  My response to that was "God's mercy, yes.  Shelly's mercy might be a whole different story."  I kind of have to giggle when I consider the look he gave me as he moved past my comment.  But, the truth is that I was speaking from deep pain.  In the last year I have felt judged more times than I care to count by a small group of relatives (ya know, the family you don't choose) who do not know me or seem to want to know me, they weren't around during the first 14 years of my parenting life, and really aren't involved now.  People seem to prefer to stir the pot with half truths fostered by teenage drama than take the time to find out the whole truth.  And in the last two weeks it has become hurtful to my husband and my daughters.  I am hurt and angry.  How can I possibly show grace, when what I want to say is "hey, if ya want to come run my house you are welcome to start with the laundry"????  Especially when we have tried to offer open communication (which I struggle with, since I don't feel I need to seek approval of my household operations from anyone other than the man I chose to marry).  For those who read my Good Friday post, I'm feeling a bit like Mary.........only I'm clinging to a big rock to throw back at my accusers.  How do I drop this rock and lift my eyes to find the gentle gaze of the Savior when all I hear is "stone her!!"?? And honestly, who am I kidding?  I barely have strength left to hold the rock.  I can't possibly throw it no matter how badly I want to.  And yet, if I let go of the rock I wish to throw, then I can look to the rock on which I stand and find strength to be more productive than rock throwing.  Remember?  Mary was among the first to know Jesus has risen.  Aaahh, AMAZING GRACE.  Stay focused, and breathe, whatever you do...don't pick the rock back up.  Just keep taking the next right step (a precious relative who I choose to call friend taught me that line), and I have learned over the years that the next right step is never easy, but I have also learned that it nearly always provides eventual peace.  The challenge is usually in hearing God's instruction as to what the next right step is, so sometimes I have to stand in one place, shut my mouth, and listen patiently (I might have also mentioned that I am NOT the most patient little critter on the planet!).

The glorious thing about grace is that it is an unearned gift.  We can't earn it.  And since it was freely given to us, we must also pass it on.  Humans are messy and complicated, and sometimes never fully understood by each other.  For this reason, I am deeply grateful in the midst of my wrestling for a mighty God, who, by grace.......offers me peace.  In that gratitude I seek to act and react accordingly.  This morning in the bright sun light and the cool breeze God gently reminded me of much darker storms that He alone carried me and my children through.  I am blessed beyond measure, and grateful even as I struggle to reconcile God's grace with that of my own.  I can honestly share that even in my pain and anger, I trust Him.  Through Him I can and will find peace and the capacity to forgive.

Finally, this week the longest game of Hide and Seek known to most of us came to an end when Navy Seals put an end to the life of Osama Bin Laden.  It seems unreal.  Abi didn't even know who he was (let us realize she was 4 at the time of 9/11).  I haven't watched any of the news coverage.  I saw Obama give his big speech and became annoyed that there are those who will give him far more credit than he deserves.  Beyond that, I struggled, like many Christians with how rejoicing in the death of this evil man balanced with my faith.  The conclusion that I have come to is that we ought to walk humbly.  Grateful for the peace that comes from a great big mighty God, who can provide us with the means to conquer enemies in order to provide safety and comfort for His people (again......grace), and yet remembering that pride comes before a fall.  I am grateful everyday for the men and women who willingly serve and for the sacrafices made.  May God continue to bless the USA and grant us continued safety.  (And maybe lower gas prices?  LOL)

I guess it simply comes down to this:  Walk humbly.  Let God be the judge.  And in faith, continue to seek the next right step, no matter the storm you may be in the midst of right now.   There is grace to be felt by ALL.  We are not alone.  Jesus said "be of good cheer for I have overcome the world".