Ya Just Never Know.....A Look Over My Shoulder

Each morning I get out of bed, and begin my day with a cup of coffee.  The house is quiet as I sip my coffee and begin to gain consciousness.  These are precious moments as I slowly begin to process the things my day might hold.  I always start out with good intentions of being very productive.  Usually, by the time I head for the shower I have launched kids off to school and with any luck I made it to the gym (this doesn't happen as often as I think it should).  Typically, my time at the gym and my time spent getting around for my day are spent seeking God's plans for my day.  Often times, He's far too vague for my liking and I tend to let my mind wonder and embark on plans of my own.  However, I must confess that usually by the end of the day I am FAR more content and frequently amazed and overwhelmed with gratitude when I remember to be flexible and let Him lead.

This morning as I prepared myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to head off to work @ God's house (isn't that cool???), my mind raced around all the things I needed to write down in preparation for the week ahead, as well as things I needed to get on a list based on input from members of the congregation.  I began to pray and meditate on this new year and what living fearlessly and flexibly would look like for me both personally and professionally, as well as how God would have me share this with others.  It happens that when I surrender, the Holy Spirit takes me on a journey.  It seems that often times this journey is backwards, retracing steps down paths of my life revealing to me things that have shaped me and prepared a path for this next chapter.  (I've learned to surrender, because the retracing of steps is much easier when He's not dragging me kicking and crying, but that one is for another day.)  Sometimes these walks down memory lane are a little painful and frustrating.  There are things I'd prefer to forget.  Today, however, this was not the case. 

The verse from 2 Timothy was handed to me by the Holy Spirit in one of those moments when I had come skidding to my knees in search of peace and guidance.  I was tied up in a bundle of nerves during a training conference I had been chosen to participate in for the company I was employed by.  There were a number of us in Atlanta for this conference.  We were all store managers who had been chosen by our district managers because of our successes and leadership skills as potential field trainers who, if chosen would be primarily responsible for training incoming store managers.  At this time in my life (October of 2008), this was an excellent career move.  I was thrilled and honored to be chosen. 

The process was far more gruelling than any of us were prepared for!  Our task each day was to present a portion of the company's training material each day to the group.  It doesn't sound too bad, really, until you factor in the idea that sitting in the middle of the room and critiquing us was the author of said material.  THAT was the stressful part.  He wanted us to own it, to present it as if we meant it, not merely recite what he had written.  He looked for us to apply the material he provided to our own experience and teach it.....to HIM.  I had bumbled through my first presentation and was maxed out as I tried to prepare for the next one.  I began to pray and pulled out my Bible (I always traveled with it, but rarely actually pulled it out), and went to the concordance.  Searching for the word fear, I came to the verse in 2nd Timothy that quickly became "mine".  "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." -2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJ)   Prompted to consider the idea that I was not created with a spirit of fear led me to consider how I am created....starting with this whole idea of a "sound mind" (the very thought STILL makes me giggle!) and going beyond that to what a mess I consider myself to be.  Contemplating the events of earlier that day, I realized that part of my problem was my stinkin' notes.....I'm NOT a note follower.  In fact, I tend to present more comfortably and effectively if my notes are minimal.  My most effective presentations have been those with limited notes and no script. 

On that night in a room at a conference center in Atlanta, God began to prepare me for an amazing journey that has proven to have NOTHING to do with training store managers as He gently began to paint a picture of the person He created in me.  And so began "living fearlessly", as the next day my presentation was unscripted with a few bullet statements on a note card, teaching material that I believed in and honestly did own in how I ran my business and trained my team.  I knew how to apply it and teach it, and I did just that.  I'd love to say that I really did it fearlessly, but that is not at all the case.  I was terrified!  So, I whispered a prayer, ran the verse from 2nd Timothy through my mind repeatedly, and when it was my turn.......I faked fearlessness.  Owning the promise that I was NOT created with a spirit of fear and that I WAS created with a spirit of power and love and of a strong mind, I stepped in front of my peers and taught the material at hand.  To the man who wrote it.  In my own words.  It went beautifully!!

I dropped the pose of someone I am not, and allowed myself to begin to function as I was created and something amazing began to happen....the parts of me that I viewed as "messy" started to make sense, and it worked.  I was selected to be a field trainer for 2009, and my commitment to live fearlessly in that coming year was born.  During that time, I had no idea what the future would hold or what living fearlessly would mean.  I didn't realize that in the years to follow my resolution to live fearlessly would not only continue, but it would challenge me to my very core and eventually change EVERYTHING. 

As I enter 2012 with a whole new direction I do not always feel fearless.  There are alot of ongoing changes, and there are alot of people looking to me to provide leadership, vision, and guidance that I know I cannot always effectively fulfill....alone, that is.  But as I reflect on that night in Atlanta, I'm reminded that we are not alone.  The Creator of the Universe carefully crafted each of us with all that we would need to face the tasks laid before us.  Not only that....but, He gave us each other in order to create balance and provide all of the skill and talent necessary.  I'm also reminded that my plans are far more limited and far less rewarding than His.  Remember....I was going to be a field trainer which would eventually lead to multiple store management and extended burden on my family.  Going to work in God's house wasn't even on my limited human radar.  I would have missed so much  (both personally and professionally) if I had continued to surrender to fear.  So, in the coming year let's walk humbly together remembering to step out fearlessly (even when we don't feel fearless), and to be flexible enough to let the Holy Spirit be our guide.  What's holding you back?  It's going to be another great adventure!