Tonight I am in awe of the journey. I'm in awe of my God who wrapped Himself in flesh to walk among us so He could feel what we feel and in the end conquer even death. I'm in awe of how He continually works in my life- growing me, stretching me, allowing me to be so very broken and healing me in ways that are beyond my comprehension.
Sunday morning in the little chapel at Woodlawn UMC with a group of new friends, Kurt and I took the vows of membership. For Kurt this was a transfer of membership. For me.....well, it was a monumental moment that marked deep, deep healing. A big deal between God and I. I struggled for years knowing God had placed a calling on my life, and yet I harbored such anger at the church I wanted no part of it. I avoided attending at any location because I knew I could never simply attend....I knew there were things I was supposed to be doing. I didn't know what those things were, but that was simply not the point- it didn't matter. I wanted no part of it. I have always loved the Lord and maintained a relationship with Him on some level- there were moments when I yelled and cursed, all the while grateful He was listening. There was a period in my life when I loved His church and spent as much time in any one church as I possibly could. However, there came a time when it seemed as though the church had become apathetic and judgemental......there was no sign of grace....and that just didn't fit for me. I could be all about Jesus, but not so much about church. I couldn't understand it and I was too angry and hurt to try and change it. So I hid. There is no irony to the fact that Jesus called the church His bride.....my own feelings about church were congruant to that of marriage, both were commitments I no longer wanted any part of. Even when I enrolled in the Christian Ministries program at Tabor I said to God "I don't want to work in a church". And here I was joining the church with my husband, the same church that employs me. And the best part? Here I sit completely at peace with all of it.
Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails". What an amazing truth! And one that I am increasingly grateful for! When I think of all that I would have missed in my list of "never agains".....There would be no Samuel Kieth (I can't even imagine!), and there would be no Kurt, Emily, or Kaylie. My time at Tabor has strengthened and renewed my faith, granted me peace and affirmed me, and blessed me with the opportunity to connect with friends who sustain me spiritually in ways that only they can as we journey through the program together. And there would be no Woodlawn UMC- a place and a body of people who have very quickly become a part of who God has called me to be in this season of my life. Grateful doesn't come close to expressing the relief I feel in knowing that I'm not in control, in knowing that God's plan does prevail inspight of my strongest efforts to hide. There is so much more freedom out in the open, in being attentive, and in following His lead. In hiding, I was unknowingly holding myself captive. I was bound by all of my imperfections. He never asked me to be perfect, just willing.
We've all heard it said, "never say never". I am living, breathing proof of it! It truly is the Lord's purpose that prevails.....sometimes it's hard to swallow, but I'm learning more and more to say "I surrender". And I'm learning more and more that when I do, there is peace beyond all understanding. It's all part of learning to live fearlessly. He truly did not create us with a spirit of fear, so even when we feel fearful we can stand on that promise and surrender knowing that His plan wins every single time.
