There was a moment in time when I dreaded December and my heart was SO heavy and in such a dark place that I couldn't even put up a Christmas tree......TODAY, however, the tree is up, the Christmas music being played, and I'm eagerly awaiting December, and Advent, and the celebration of the birth of our Savior. God wrapped Himself in flesh to walk among us so I didn't have to go through those dark moments alone. Inexplicable Joy!!! The message of Christmas is one of hope. There have been moments when I could not wrap my brain around the idea of hope, let alone find any "feeling" of hope. In years past, it was not lack of belief that Jesus was God in flesh, born of a virgin, and later died to save me. It was lack of vision for days to come. It was the very fact that in those days it took everything I had to put one foot in front of the other, let alone put up a tree in my living room! Don't get me wrong, we celebrated. We just didn't always have a tree, and I went through the motions I could manage in somewhat of a numb existence.
In the last three or four years, God has led me on a journey back to myself - to the me that He created. It's been interesting, emotional, difficult, and filled with joy and yes, HOPE. He has gently tugged, firmly pushed, softly spoken, and lovingly fused together the me that He created with the painful journeys that had left me hopeless and jaded. All for the sake of recreating and revealing new life in me and calling me back to the path He had planned, so that I can come alongside others and facilitate hope, healing, and growth in the loving arms of Jesus who meets our every need. It's a HUGE responsibility....terrifying if I give it too much thought. So, I don't give it a lot of thought....I just remember Timothy's words "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and of a sound mind". The "sound mind" thing still makes me giggle, but it also gives me comfort.
I've been reading "Let Your Live Speak" by Parker J. Palmer for the class I'm taking. In it, he shares tremendous insight regarding self-awareness and understanding our calling......knowing and being the person you are created to be. As I read his journey, I reflected a lot on my own. Palmer took a very dark journey through some severe depression. I am far to extroverted to withdraw from life as he did, but I did go through the motions as a very empty and hurting person. And in a similar fashion, I can look back on seasons of my life that have led me to this place. Palmer says this of fear: "Be not afraid does not mean we can not have fear. Everyone has fear, and people who embrace the call to leadership often find fear abounding. We do not have to lead from a place of fear, thereby engendering a world in which fear is multiplied." He goes on to encourage his readers to lead from a place of trust and hope as these are more solid places to stand.
This week marks the closing of two very long chapters in my life. One being my career as a manager and an optician, and two being a time of living in the fear of fulfilling my calling. Not that I don't feel fearful sometimes, but I am committed to ensuring that I will not live in it, it will no longer paralyze me. My last day of work for National Vision Inc. is Friday and will mark the close of a 15 year career in optical (dispensing, management, and consulting), and a 24 year career in retail (21 of which has been management). On Sunday I will begin my journey in ministry with Woodlawn United Methodist Church as their Director of Adult Ministries. It's a very exciting and hopeful time filled with both joy and a tinge of sadness as I leave behind a wonderful team of people to become part of another wonderful team of people.
When I rang in 2009 with the resolution to live fearlessly because of the words in 2nd Timothy, I had NO idea the journey I was opening up to! What an amazing adventure! So, in the final hours of November 2011 I am eager to welcome December with all of it's changes and celebrations. I look at the Nativity with a whole new sense of hope and anticipation of ringing in a fourth year of living fearlessly, stepping out in faith, and embarking on the next chapter of "Me-Just as God Created Me To Be" and finding ways to come alongside others in that journey. I would encourage anyone to live fearlessly and yes, sometimes ya gotta fake it......step out anyway. As Palmer said, everyone experiences fear, but we clearly don't have to foster it.
