Embracing Grace

It's March!  Time for Sam's birthday, my birthday, daylight savings time (which equates to lots of sunshine), spring break, and lots of basketball.  March marks the arrival of spring and while many of us are preparing our brackets for March Madness, many are also preparing our hearts to celebrate the victory of the resurrection of Jesus. There are so many things that I love about this time of year!  It seems a little cheesy, but the simple sound of the birds in the morning combined with the smell of coffee brings me pure joy and hope for what the new day holds.  As the grass and trees become more green it is a time of renewal and a reminder that out of death rises life and beauty, hope for new beginnings. 

One evening last week I was at work (at God's house-I love that part!) for a meeting.  As people started to gather a precious face from my past walked through the door.  It took a moment, but when I realized how I knew her it was all I could do not to simply weep.  This angel had been my Alanon sponsor during a time when my whole world had been ripped apart by alcoholism and I was desperately trying to figure out how to survive.  I was flooded with emotion as I got to thank her for literally saving my life and for helping me stand up and be the mom I wanted to be in order to give Lizzi and Abbey (and eventually Sam) the life they deserve.  I got to not only thank her, but for a few short moments before the meeting I got to share with her the fruits of the seeds she had planted with me.  She was the one who encouraged me to be honest with my girls so they would always know they could count on me and repeatedly reminded me that if I took care of myself so that I could be okay-they would be okay also.  The encouragement that she and a small group of regulars gave me each week kept me praying and leaning on God.  It was during that time that I discovered how amazing grace really is.  So I got to tell her how great the girls are and give her the credit she deserves.  The church I work in is where the Alanon group used to meet all those years ago.  Again, I am in awe of the journey and overwhelmed with gratitude.

The next night, I faked fearlessness and filled in for Pastor Adam to facilitate some discussion with the Alpha group he's been teaching so that he could go fake a little fearlessness of his own.  This is an amazing group of people and I knew I was in over my head.  The great thing is that when I'm in over my head, I know who put me there.  And I know He won't let me drown....as long as I leave Him in charge.  We talked over our thoughts and experiences in what it means to really follow Jesus rather than simply believing.  A member of the group pointed out that you have to embrace grace in order to effectively follow Jesus and extend grace.  I've been really chewing on that statement.  What exactly does that look and feel like?

Embracing grace can be complicated.  It can be difficult to understand, particularly for those who have a deep need/desire to do things "right".  I know many who have struggled with it for various reasons, including myself.  It's difficult to allow myself to be human, make mistakes, and in some cases it has even been difficult to allow myself to feel, for fear of being hurt.  When we don't allow ourselves to fully receive the grace and forgiveness Jesus offers us, we are cheating ourselves and others out of the life of freedom we were meant to live.  Embracing grace and living a life of freedom doesn't mean to flounder around carelessly doing whatever feels good, knowing we are forgiven......it means to live well, trusting that our Creator loves us no matter what, allowing ourselves to be human, allowing ourselves to be all that He created us to be, and living in relationship with Him as we discover just what all of that is.  Embracing grace requires us to drop legalism, surrender to Jesus, and to forgive.  Love God and love others.  It's that simple.  (Mark 12:29-31)

I've found that living fearlessly requires me to accept grace.  The ability to move ahead fearlessly is about trusting that my life is the hands of the Living God.  It's never about feeling fearless.  It's always about trusting that I don't have to be afraid.  As we move closer to Easter stop for a moment......take a deep breath, and remember that there is grace and that you don't have to earn it.  Cut yourself a break!  Enjoy the longer days and rest knowing that you have nothing to fear and no shame to carry!  Happy Spring!

I Surrender!!

Just when I thought I had it all under control....I said I was done having kids.....and then came Sam.  I said I would never get married again.....and then came Kurt.  I said I would never go back to school because I refused to take college algebra for a fourth time......and then came Tabor College Wichita.  I said I would never become a member of another church......and then came Woodlawn UMC. 

Tonight I am in awe of the journey.  I'm in awe of my God who wrapped Himself in flesh to walk among us so He could feel what we feel and in the end conquer even death.  I'm in awe of how He continually works in my life- growing me, stretching me, allowing me to be so very broken and healing me in ways that are beyond my comprehension.

Sunday morning in the little chapel at Woodlawn UMC with a group of new friends, Kurt and I took the vows of membership.  For Kurt this was a transfer of membership.  For me.....well, it was a monumental moment that marked deep, deep healing.  A big deal between God and I.  I struggled for years knowing God had placed a calling on my life, and yet I harbored such anger at the church I wanted no part of it.  I avoided attending at any location because I knew I could never simply attend....I knew there were things I was supposed to be doing.  I didn't know what those things were, but that was simply not the point- it didn't matter.  I wanted no part of it.  I have always loved the Lord and maintained a relationship with Him on some level- there were moments when I yelled and cursed, all the while grateful He was listening.  There was a period in my life when I loved His church and spent as much time in any one church as I possibly could.  However, there came a time when it seemed as though the church had become apathetic and judgemental......there was no sign of grace....and that just didn't fit for me.  I could be all about Jesus, but not so much about church.  I couldn't understand it and I was too angry and hurt to try and change it.  So I hid.  There is no irony to the fact that Jesus called the church His bride.....my own feelings about church were congruant to that of marriage, both were commitments I no longer wanted any part of.  Even when I enrolled in the Christian Ministries program at Tabor I said to God "I don't want to work in a church".  And here I was joining the church with my husband, the same church that employs me.  And the best part?  Here I sit completely at peace with all of it. 

Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails".   What an amazing truth!  And one that I am increasingly grateful for!  When I think of all that I would have missed in my list of "never agains".....There would be no Samuel Kieth (I can't even imagine!), and there would be no Kurt, Emily, or Kaylie.  My time at Tabor has strengthened and renewed my faith, granted me peace and affirmed me, and blessed me with the opportunity to connect with friends who sustain me spiritually in ways that only they can as we journey through the program together.  And there would be no Woodlawn UMC- a place and a body of people who have very quickly become a part of who God has called me to be in this season of my life.  Grateful doesn't come close to expressing the relief I feel in knowing that I'm not in control, in knowing that God's plan does prevail inspight of my strongest efforts to hide.  There is so much more freedom out in the open, in being attentive, and in following His lead.  In hiding, I was unknowingly holding myself captive.  I was bound by all of my imperfections.  He never asked me to be perfect, just willing.

We've all heard it said, "never say never".  I am living, breathing proof of it!  It truly is the Lord's purpose that prevails.....sometimes it's hard to swallow, but I'm learning more and more to say "I surrender".  And I'm learning more and more that when I do, there is peace beyond all understanding.  It's all part of learning to live fearlessly.  He truly did not create us with a spirit of fear, so even when we feel fearful we can stand on that promise and surrender knowing that His plan wins every single time.

Ya Just Never Know.....A Look Over My Shoulder

Each morning I get out of bed, and begin my day with a cup of coffee.  The house is quiet as I sip my coffee and begin to gain consciousness.  These are precious moments as I slowly begin to process the things my day might hold.  I always start out with good intentions of being very productive.  Usually, by the time I head for the shower I have launched kids off to school and with any luck I made it to the gym (this doesn't happen as often as I think it should).  Typically, my time at the gym and my time spent getting around for my day are spent seeking God's plans for my day.  Often times, He's far too vague for my liking and I tend to let my mind wonder and embark on plans of my own.  However, I must confess that usually by the end of the day I am FAR more content and frequently amazed and overwhelmed with gratitude when I remember to be flexible and let Him lead.

This morning as I prepared myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to head off to work @ God's house (isn't that cool???), my mind raced around all the things I needed to write down in preparation for the week ahead, as well as things I needed to get on a list based on input from members of the congregation.  I began to pray and meditate on this new year and what living fearlessly and flexibly would look like for me both personally and professionally, as well as how God would have me share this with others.  It happens that when I surrender, the Holy Spirit takes me on a journey.  It seems that often times this journey is backwards, retracing steps down paths of my life revealing to me things that have shaped me and prepared a path for this next chapter.  (I've learned to surrender, because the retracing of steps is much easier when He's not dragging me kicking and crying, but that one is for another day.)  Sometimes these walks down memory lane are a little painful and frustrating.  There are things I'd prefer to forget.  Today, however, this was not the case. 

The verse from 2 Timothy was handed to me by the Holy Spirit in one of those moments when I had come skidding to my knees in search of peace and guidance.  I was tied up in a bundle of nerves during a training conference I had been chosen to participate in for the company I was employed by.  There were a number of us in Atlanta for this conference.  We were all store managers who had been chosen by our district managers because of our successes and leadership skills as potential field trainers who, if chosen would be primarily responsible for training incoming store managers.  At this time in my life (October of 2008), this was an excellent career move.  I was thrilled and honored to be chosen. 

The process was far more gruelling than any of us were prepared for!  Our task each day was to present a portion of the company's training material each day to the group.  It doesn't sound too bad, really, until you factor in the idea that sitting in the middle of the room and critiquing us was the author of said material.  THAT was the stressful part.  He wanted us to own it, to present it as if we meant it, not merely recite what he had written.  He looked for us to apply the material he provided to our own experience and teach it.....to HIM.  I had bumbled through my first presentation and was maxed out as I tried to prepare for the next one.  I began to pray and pulled out my Bible (I always traveled with it, but rarely actually pulled it out), and went to the concordance.  Searching for the word fear, I came to the verse in 2nd Timothy that quickly became "mine".  "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." -2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJ)   Prompted to consider the idea that I was not created with a spirit of fear led me to consider how I am created....starting with this whole idea of a "sound mind" (the very thought STILL makes me giggle!) and going beyond that to what a mess I consider myself to be.  Contemplating the events of earlier that day, I realized that part of my problem was my stinkin' notes.....I'm NOT a note follower.  In fact, I tend to present more comfortably and effectively if my notes are minimal.  My most effective presentations have been those with limited notes and no script. 

On that night in a room at a conference center in Atlanta, God began to prepare me for an amazing journey that has proven to have NOTHING to do with training store managers as He gently began to paint a picture of the person He created in me.  And so began "living fearlessly", as the next day my presentation was unscripted with a few bullet statements on a note card, teaching material that I believed in and honestly did own in how I ran my business and trained my team.  I knew how to apply it and teach it, and I did just that.  I'd love to say that I really did it fearlessly, but that is not at all the case.  I was terrified!  So, I whispered a prayer, ran the verse from 2nd Timothy through my mind repeatedly, and when it was my turn.......I faked fearlessness.  Owning the promise that I was NOT created with a spirit of fear and that I WAS created with a spirit of power and love and of a strong mind, I stepped in front of my peers and taught the material at hand.  To the man who wrote it.  In my own words.  It went beautifully!!

I dropped the pose of someone I am not, and allowed myself to begin to function as I was created and something amazing began to happen....the parts of me that I viewed as "messy" started to make sense, and it worked.  I was selected to be a field trainer for 2009, and my commitment to live fearlessly in that coming year was born.  During that time, I had no idea what the future would hold or what living fearlessly would mean.  I didn't realize that in the years to follow my resolution to live fearlessly would not only continue, but it would challenge me to my very core and eventually change EVERYTHING. 

As I enter 2012 with a whole new direction I do not always feel fearless.  There are alot of ongoing changes, and there are alot of people looking to me to provide leadership, vision, and guidance that I know I cannot always effectively fulfill....alone, that is.  But as I reflect on that night in Atlanta, I'm reminded that we are not alone.  The Creator of the Universe carefully crafted each of us with all that we would need to face the tasks laid before us.  Not only that....but, He gave us each other in order to create balance and provide all of the skill and talent necessary.  I'm also reminded that my plans are far more limited and far less rewarding than His.  Remember....I was going to be a field trainer which would eventually lead to multiple store management and extended burden on my family.  Going to work in God's house wasn't even on my limited human radar.  I would have missed so much  (both personally and professionally) if I had continued to surrender to fear.  So, in the coming year let's walk humbly together remembering to step out fearlessly (even when we don't feel fearless), and to be flexible enough to let the Holy Spirit be our guide.  What's holding you back?  It's going to be another great adventure!

Live Fearlessly.....AND Flexibly!

Last year I began this blog with a post entitled "Walls".  I was about three months into classes @ Tabor (with NO idea where this was going), Mr. Westfall was facing huge changes in his career as he went from being employed by his Dad to being self employed in partnership with his brother, we were approaching our first holidays as husband and wife, with our first wedding anniversary to follow shortly behind the holidays.  The year of 2010 had been quite eventful as we learned to live and parent together and as God began to lead us down paths we never thought we would be prepared for (and yes, one of those paths was most definitely marriage and raising a blended family!!). 

Today it's hard to believe it's only been ONE year since that first post!  2011 has been another great adventure!  The kids have grown in stature, and we all have grown in mental, emotional, and spiritual ways not only as individuals, but as a family.  Hind sight being what it is, I can look back and see how the kids have settled and learned to view and love one another for who each of them is created to be.....even on the days they don't so much like each other, they still love each other and don't hesitate to say so-ALL of them: the five who live here AND the bonus kids.  Our home is a place of love and acceptance, but also a place of expectation and accountability.....I am humbled by the balance as I can take no credit.  It is by the very grace of God that we have the gift of each other and even beyond having one another, we realize it's gift.  Many families who are born into each other and grow together from birth miss the joy found in celebrating differences and meeting milestones.

Last December when I posted "Walls", a physical wall had gone up in my husband's work life.  For him, it was a dark and fearful time that was at the same time filled with newness and hope for things to come.  This December a door was cut into that very wall and his business is flourishing.  A year ago, I had no clue where God was leading me as I had embarked on completion of my education, recognizing His call on my life.  This year, however, I have joined the family at Woodlawn United Methodist Church and have found some comfort in knowing that even without a burning bush giving me exact directions, God speaks clearly when I shut up and pay attention.  I still have classes to finish in the coming year and there is still much I don't know about God's plan, but I can say that I have found amazing peace in the not always knowing (please note, I said peace not comfort).

In the last couple of years my sister and I have talked alot about learning to be flexible and running with plan B....She brought into my life the tree analogy and I talk alot with others about being a tree....rooted in Jesus, standing tall, bending with the wind, shedding beauty in the winters of life only to come back new, weathering each storm.  She's an amazing lady, who's life speaks of patience and perserverance.  In light of these things, I'm adding flexibly to my resolution for 2012.  In 2009, 2010, and 2011, my resolution was to live fearlessly even when I felt like I couldn't.  In 2012, let's live fearlessly AND flexibly in order to allow the Holy Spirit to move us.  I think it's important to note that a tree doesn't move from where it is rooted....so it's sustinance doesn't change.......it merely moves with the flow of life and provides shelter, beauty, comfort, and in many cases food for others of God's creation.  So, join me in living fearlessly and flexibly in 2012!  Let's all learn to be trees! 

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” -Jeremiah 17:7-8

Happy New Year Everyone!! 

Who Knew?? Living Fearlessly.......

There was a moment in time when I dreaded December and my heart was SO heavy and in such a dark place that I couldn't even put up a Christmas tree......TODAY, however, the tree is up, the Christmas music being played, and I'm eagerly awaiting December, and Advent, and the celebration of the birth of our Savior. God wrapped Himself in flesh to walk among us so I didn't have to go through those dark moments alone. Inexplicable Joy!!! The message of Christmas is one of hope.  There have been moments when I could not wrap my brain around the idea of hope, let alone find any "feeling" of hope.  In years past, it was not lack of belief that Jesus was God in flesh, born of a virgin, and later died to save me.  It was lack of vision for days to come.  It was the very fact that in those days it took everything I had to put one foot in front of the other, let alone put up a tree in my living room!  Don't get me wrong, we celebrated.  We just didn't always have a tree, and I went through the motions I could manage in somewhat of a numb existence. 

In the last three or four years, God has led me on a journey back to myself - to the me that He created.  It's been interesting, emotional, difficult, and filled with joy and yes, HOPE.  He has gently tugged, firmly pushed, softly spoken, and lovingly fused together the me that He created with the painful journeys that had left me hopeless and jaded.   All for the sake of  recreating and revealing new life in me and calling me back to the path He had planned, so that I can come alongside others and facilitate hope, healing, and growth in the loving arms of Jesus who meets our every need.  It's a HUGE responsibility....terrifying if I give it too much thought.  So, I don't give it a lot of thought....I just remember Timothy's words "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and of a sound mind".  The "sound mind" thing still makes me giggle, but it also gives me comfort.

I've been reading "Let Your Live Speak" by Parker J. Palmer for the class I'm taking.  In it, he shares tremendous insight regarding self-awareness and understanding our calling......knowing and being the person you are created to be.  As I read his journey, I reflected a lot on my own.  Palmer took a very dark journey through some severe depression.  I am far to extroverted to withdraw from life as he did, but I did go through the motions as a very empty and hurting person.  And in a similar fashion, I can look back on seasons of my life that have led me to this place.  Palmer says this of fear:  "Be not afraid does not mean we can not have fear.  Everyone has fear, and people who embrace the call to leadership often find fear abounding.  We do not have to lead from a place of fear, thereby engendering a world in which fear is multiplied."  He goes on to encourage his readers to lead from a place of trust and hope as these are more solid places to stand. 

This week marks the closing of two very long chapters in my life.  One being my career as a manager and an optician, and two being a time of living in the fear of fulfilling my calling.  Not that I don't feel fearful sometimes, but I am committed to ensuring that I will not live in it, it will no longer paralyze me.  My last day of work for National Vision Inc. is Friday and will mark the close of a 15 year career in optical (dispensing, management, and consulting), and a 24 year career in retail (21 of which has been management).  On Sunday I will begin my journey in ministry with Woodlawn United Methodist Church as their Director of Adult Ministries.  It's a very exciting and hopeful time filled with both joy and a tinge of sadness as I leave behind a wonderful team of people to become part of another wonderful team of people.

When I rang in 2009 with the resolution to live fearlessly because of the words in 2nd Timothy, I had NO idea the journey I was opening up to!  What an amazing adventure!  So, in the final hours of November 2011 I am eager to welcome December with all of it's changes and celebrations.  I look at the Nativity with a whole new sense of hope and anticipation of ringing in a fourth year of living fearlessly, stepping out in faith, and embarking on the next chapter of "Me-Just as God Created Me To Be" and finding ways to come alongside others in that journey.  I would encourage anyone to live fearlessly and yes, sometimes ya gotta fake it......step out anyway.  As Palmer said, everyone experiences fear, but we clearly don't have to foster it.

THAT Kind of Important

It was a gorgeous spring morning on the outside of my house, but on the inside I was trying to figure out how on earth we were going to put food on the table as my unemployed boyfriend was pausing from his computer game to ask his mother to pay our gas bill (the gentleman from the gas company had just left after cutting it off) so we could use our gas stove and have hot water.  As I rocked my newborn son and prayed “God, I know I have landed myself in this mess…..” words were hard to come by.  I knew it was my own fault for allowing myself to be in this position.  So, when the knock on the door was a sweet gray haired gentleman saying “Hi, we’re from the Church of Christ.  We just wanted to see if there is anything we can do to help you today”.  I immediately fell to tears.  I never would have asked for help, but God sent help anyway.  Hind sight being what it is, I now recognize this as the beginning of my journey to reconciliation with the church.

I have made some pretty sketchy choices in my lifetime.  I've managed to ignore God more than once and find myself in some pretty painful positions.  God and I have had some pretty tough conversations over the years.  When my marriage fell apart at the hands of alcoholism I felt abandoned and judged.  I felt alienated from the Church as a whole, not just one particular denomination, or location, or congregation.  I had participated in numerous congregations where I thought I had friends, but when I fell out no one seemed to notice or care.  It was several years later that this man from the Mulvane Church of Christ showed up on my doorstep at just the right time.  To this day, I do not know what led to the knock on the door, I just know it happened when I needed most to know that God's grace was available to me no matter what pickle I had landed myself in.  When I couldn't find words for God, He was already communicating with local Christians who were listening and responding. 

Recently, I attended a meeting for the Wichita East District of the United Methodist Church where Pastor Rob Schmutz shared his passion for prayer walking and his heart for the community of Park City where he is leading a church plant.  He cited these verses from Nehemiah:
 

^{12 I set out during the night with a few others. I had not told anyone what my God had put in my heart to do for Jerusalem. There were no mounts with me except the one I was riding on.
 13 By night I went out through the Valley Gate toward the Jackal Well and the Dung Gate, examining the walls of Jerusalem, which had been broken down, and its gates, which had been destroyed by fire. 14 Then I moved on toward the Fountain Gate and the King’s Pool, but there was not enough room for my mount to get through; 15 so I went up the valley by night, examining the wall. Finally, I turned back and reentered through the Valley Gate. 16 The officials did not know where I had gone or what I was doing, because as yet I had said nothing to the Jews or the priests or nobles or officials or any others who would be doing the work.
 17 Then I said to them, “You see the trouble we are in: Jerusalem lies in ruins, and its gates have been burned with fire. Come, let us rebuild the wall of Jerusalem, and we will no longer be in disgrace.” 18 I also told them about the gracious hand of my God on me and what the king had said to me.}

            Nehemiah clearly had a heart for God, his people, and his country.  We see this clearly in the first chapter of Nehemiah when he receives news of the conditions of the Israelites and the city of Jerusalem.  He wept and prayed, repenting for sin not only for himself but also interceding for that of his people. His heart ached deeply for his people and he called on God’s promise to restore them if they repented.  His heart was so heavily burdened that he continued to fast and pray.  Chapter two takes us to the court of King Artaxerxes where Nehemiah is his cup bearer.  This is a position of trust and privilege in the king’s court as the cup bearer’s responsibility was to taste the wine ahead of the king in order to be certain it was not poisoned.  This placed him in a position of influence with the king, which he clearly recognized as part of God’s plan when the time came.  On this day it had been four months since Nehemiah received the news of his people’s suffering and the destruction of the city of Jerusalem and he could no longer hide his sadness.  The king noticed and questioned him.  Nehemiah prayed and despite his fear recognized this God given opportunity.  He openly explained to the king his sadness and asked for permission to go and lead the Israelites in rebuilding their city.  The King clearly valued and trusted Nehemiah, because he not only granted him permission, but he offered his help and supplied him with all that he needed.  Nehemiah gives God all the credit for having His “gracious hand” upon him in verse eight.  And when he arrived in Jerusalem to answer God's call, he took the time to pray, and listen, and clarify the vision for what needed to be done.      

           There is significant pain in this world.  As Christians we are called to pay attention and respond.  Throughout the Bible, from Old Testament to New Testament, we are commanded to respond to the needs of God’s children. As we listened to Pastor Rob share that day, he pointed out that Jesus didn't sit around and wait for people to come to Him.  He walked the countryside meeting people right where they needed Him most.  He PRAYED relentlessly, LISTENED to the Father's direction, and ACTED accordingly.  

            I left that meeting inspired to pay closer attention to what's happening around me in my daily life, to pray for the people I see walking, mowing, driving, living...doing whatever it is they are doing.  I wonder if the folks from the Mulvane Church of Christ were prayer walking that morning?  I wonder if they will ever really know the long term impact it made.  I didn't attend their church, I never even properly thanked them.  In fact, I never heard from them again.  But I'm certain they prayed for us for weeks to follow.  And so, here I am all these years later in a new place in life and seeking to somehow continue to pay it forward to the body of Christ as a whole.

           This Sunday, Oct. 2nd a group from Mulvane United Methodist Church will begin to do some prayer walking, also.  It's heavy on my heart that we will be attentive to what God would have us see, hear, and sense.  We have the opportunity to show up right on time for someone each and everyday, and on Sunday we have the opportunity to do so as members of the body of Christ, not just the United Methodist Church.  So, please pray with us and for us as we seek to walk humbly and take the next right steps in loving our community for Jesus.  That morning in March of 2004 left a mark on my heart and my life that changed everything.  It's THAT kind of important.

It's a Girl!!

^{Psalm 139: 13-16}

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

   your works are wonderful,

   I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you

   when I was made in the secret place,

   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

I love Psalm 139!!  It's where I go when I need a hug.  It's where I go when I feel fat, or ugly, or like I have failed.  It's where I go when I doubt my purpose.  And it's where I go when I feel lost.  The entire Psalm is my favorite prayer when I can't find words.  These particular verses from Psalm 139 remind us that no one can create life but the Creator of life.  God, Himself, numbered the hairs on our head and the days of our lives. 

Today, my colleague, my assistant, most importantly-my friend found out that the baby she's expecting this spring is a girl.  This little girl was not part of my friend's plan.  Clearly, however, this precious little baby is part of God's plan.  No matter the earthly circumstances, this child is being knitted together in her mommy's womb by the Creator of life. 

I am no stranger to plan b!  Most who know me have heard me say of Samuel that he was certainly not a part of MY plan....I was done having babies.....or, so I thought.  I will never forget the day I found out that the reason I was so incredibly run down was because I was pregnant.  I was speechless.  For hours.  I was 34 years old, and had recently left his father.  Lizzi, Abi, and I were living with my parents.  My life was a mess.  WHAT was God thinking??  This was not a funny joke!  One could argue that Sam was a result of some not so smart choices in my life.  I would vehemently disagree, not about some of my choices, but certainly about the arrival of Sam.  Babies can be unexpected, but there is not one life that is an accident.  Sam is now 7 years old.  The first 3 and a half years of his little life were tumultuous.  There were (and still are) days when he single handedly puts a smile on my face no matter what is going on around me.  Sam has a HUGE heart and the deepest sense of family.  He loves the Lord, and his very existence has kept all of us grounded at times when we could have easily fallen apart.  With that much purpose in his first 7 years, can you even imagine what God has planned for him in the future??

Sam was not my first exposure to plan b.........when my marriage to Lizzi and Abi's father fell apart, I had to surrender their older sister, Ashleigh to her mother in Georgia.  It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life.  Ash was 16 when I put her on that plane.  She left here not knowing if she would ever see any of us again, including her father.  She was 17 when her dad told me she was pregnant with Haley.  I was crushed.  I wanted so much more for her!  I wanted her to have an education and a life..........clearly God had other plans.  Again, one could argue that my oldest daughter was making some pretty crummy choices at that time.  One might REALLY argue that when a year later (nearly to the day!), Ashleigh gave birth to Autumn.  At the ripe young age of 18 she was mother of two and wife to my son-in-law Alex.  I was so very worried and felt so responsible for her demise.  But again, refer to the above scripture.  In 2009, Ashleigh returned to Kansas for the first time since I put her on that plane in 2000.  Her daughters are smart, beautiful and fun!  They have the cutest little Georgia accents.  And in the years since their birth, Ashleigh has had significant enough health problems that she would not have been able to have children later in her life.  She is a determined, driven young woman and an amazing momma.  She and Alex have weathered many storms together and cling to God for all that they need.  As it turns out, she has a life and an education that is a result of that life.  God knew things that I didn't. 

My best friend, Christy and I have traveled the paths of life together for nearly half of our lives.  I was 23 years old, married, and pregnant with Lizzi when Christy (at the ripe young age of 17) found out she was pregnant with Taylor (her now 16 yr. old son).  We often talk about how much we not only love our kids but ENJOY them the vast majority of the time.  There is not one second of one minute of one day in the last 16 years that Christy (or I) could imagine having ever lived without Taylor.  He is now stands over 6 ft. tall, plays starting center for the varsity football team, does well in school, and is an all around great kid.  Christy grew quickly into a wonderful mother and later added Kaylee to the mix.  She is now an amazing nurse as she went back to school eventually (as a single mom) and has been the ultimate example of tenacity and focus for all of our kids.

Don't get me wrong.  Plan b is almost never welcomed right at the moment it's being forced upon me, or those I love.  I'm outrageously guilty of not responding favorably to plan b most of the time.  But, I will tell you that most of my life is grounded in plan b-or what I tend to view as plan b (or even c,d, or e).  But according to Psalm 139, it's all about plan A.  God's plan. The days he laid out for me.  And the days he laid out for all of us.  The more I learn, the more grateful I am to not be in control, and the more grateful I am for God's grace, for the peace that comes from knowing that He's in the driver's seat.  I am exceedingly grateful that all things really do come together for good for those who love the Lord.  And truly excited to welcome little Sarai and help love and spoil her rotten!

Congratulations Kateri & Richard!  Welcome to the wonderful adventure that was plan A all along!  :)