Finding Hope Again

Scenes from the last ten days have flooded my mind. From the moment my husband came into our room to wake me at 5:43am on May 9 as my brother shared the news that literally knocked the wind out of both of us and changed all of us forever. My beautiful niece had been in a car wreck that she did not survive. Her boyfriend of four years was with her and he is recovering with a very tough road ahead of him. They were quite the pair. (We would love for you to donate to his recovery expenses here)

Kylie was the youngest of my brother's five children, 18 and graduating from a nearby high school. A member of the historic graduating class of 2020. Young. Filled with life. Adventurous and fearless in spirit. She had an ease about her. Comfortable in her own skin...not something we often say about 18 year olds. Kylie had a way of making everyone she encountered feel welcomed and included. She loved all of God's creatures and lived accordingly. She loved the outdoors and soaked up every drop of life and sunshine that she was given. I could go on and on and on.

On Monday, our great granddaughter turned ONE. Amidst such deep and heavy darkness this little bright light had a birthday. Emma Elizabeth was not part of anyone's plan and as it has been with so many other unexpected surprises, she has been a glimmer of hope in what has been a pretty tough year. She deserves to be celebrated even as we grieve.

Also this week, my granddaughter, Haley (mommy to Emma), graduated from high school. Also a member of this historic graduating class. She did this with Emma alongside and finished STRONG with awesome grades. She's overcome so many obstacles and the next chapter of her life is filled with significant hope as she and her boyfriend (also of four years) begin to plan for their future. 

 Additionally, my nephew Gabe (my sister's oldest), graduated as another part of the historic class of 2020. He's headed to The University of Kansas school of journalism and we are all SO excited to follow him as he announces for KU Hockey and develops an amazing career and journey of his own. He, too, has had his fair share of obstacles and continues to overcome and excel.

SO MUCH TO REJOICE IN, and SO MUCH PAIN. 

The loss of Kylie has held a dark cloud over our family at time that should be filled with celebration. And, if I'm being honest, it has put to the test my ability to process life in general. I mean, really. I am just SAD. And if I truly believe all that I SAY I believe, how do I process this with hope and peace despite my sorrow and even anger. I have wrestled HARD and God has surely been up for it because I have been reminded of a few things amidst the darkness. 

1. God always shows up in people. ALWAYS. WITHOUT FAIL. If people are willing to show up, God will faithfully reveal Himself in them. Last week, people showed up like crazy to support my brother and his wife and children. It was a beautiful display of love. There was lots of food and tears and laughter and people were PRESENT. Even in the midst of a pandemic. On Friday and Saturday I watched as people flooded the mortuary to show their support. Kylie's friends in their yellow bandanas and boots tailgated in the parking lot, just to be together and present. And on Sunday, her bestie accepted her high school diploma on her behalf. As broken and lost as we have felt, God showed up in all of these people and we all felt the love and presence of Kylie's high spirited love for life and adventure and fun. 
2. God is NOT a puppeteer. He's not sitting on some literal throne crafting a master plan like some kind of movie. The entire Bible is story after story about God meeting humans in the mess and redeeming the mess over time, proving his grace and mercy and provision over and over and over again. And this is exactly how I have experienced God. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. He simply never wastes an opportunity to show us His unconditional love and mercy. When we recognize His presence in whatever shit storm we are in, it is truly undeniable. Terrible, and unthinkable things happen, not because God has caused them, but because humans are messy. Accidents happen. Life is messy.
3. God does NOT give us things He thinks we can handle. He meets us in the thick of the shit storm and handles it with us, and in us. He clears a path, calms the storm, and continues to show up in other humans who are willing to be present. We are all faced with things we cannot handle. Every time, without fail, GOD SHOWS UP and we do not carry it alone.
4. We are each uniquely designed with great purpose. That purpose starts the moment we arrive on the planet and evolves as we grow and learn to participate in the world around us (His kingdom on earth as it is in heaven). This is where divine design happens. When we can discern and understand who we are, by God's design we become participants in an evolving world, in God's story. We become responsive to His heart and desires. We begin to meet people in the mess, allowing God to show up through us to bring redemption to the ugliness. And as I look at all three of our graduates and this beautiful little one year old, I see HOPE.

In the wake of such a tremendous loss, I'm grateful to be reminded that God shows up. God draws near to the broken hearted. He intercedes in ways we will never fully understand. I am reminded to trust when I am hurting, angry, helpless. More than that, I am reminded to look ahead. To celebrate a first birthday. To celebrate the future for young graduates who still have much to bring to the world. And I am inspired by Kylie's sheer love of life and the joy she seemed to lavish on the people she encountered. 

I heard a wise pastor say once (and I have never forgotten it), “Easter reminds us that the worst thing is never the last thing.” So, I find myself challenged to live accordingly. I know that, because of Jesus, we will see Kylie again. I know that death to this life is not the end. I know that beyond the hurt we can and will live well and love life and love the people (and critters) around us, just as Kylie did. 

New Year. New Word. Same Me.

Here we are in the final hours of 2018 and I find myself exhausted when I feel as though I should be energized and contemplative. The truth of the matter is, I have struggled with the feeling that I missed Christmas. The final quarter of this year have been overwhelmingly stressful in my world and Christmas simply happened. I went through all of the motions. Worked with amazing teams to prepare the church for advent, coordinated volunteers each Sunday morning for worship, did the shopping, wrapped the presents, participated in FIVE Christmas Eve services, woke early to have coffee and open gifts, spent the day with beloved family... It all happened joyfully amidst other stresses that are a whole other set of conversations. And yet, I have to confess, I have felt mostly tired. There were three brief and tangible exceptions. They were the brief moments in three of the five Christmas Eve services when I read the story of the baby in the manger from scripture…you know…the whole reason we do all of this crazy stuff. In those moments I felt it…the hope that comes with this baby that we celebrate. And, yet, those bursts of hope were quickly lost in the chaos of the to do list that was still looming.

In the days that have followed Christmas, I am happy to say that I have rested. I’ve slept in, done laundry, sorted some things, thrown some stuff away, spent some time with my family, and moved at an easy pace. It’s been much needed and good for my soul. 

The last couple of days, as I considered the arrival of a fresh new year, reflected on the mostly beautiful journey of 2018, and grieved a little about missing the magic of Christmas, a couple of things hit me hard. 

First, it is still Christmas until January 6^th, and if I am missing it today, it’s my own damn fault. Epiphany comes on Sunday. So, as I contemplated where I felt those glimpses of joy, I returned to scripture. The thing that has fascinated me the most about Christmas in recent years is the understanding that The Word became flesh…God, wrapped in the flesh of a baby to intentionally draw as close to us as He possibly could.  So, I returned to scripture.

John 1:1-18 (The Voice Translation)

1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.

    The Voice was and is God.
² This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
³     His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,    all things that exist were birthed in Him.
⁴ His breath filled all things
    with a living, breathing light—
⁵ A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
    blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.

⁶ A man named John, who was sent by God, was the first to clearly articulate the source of this Light. ⁷ This baptizer put in plain words the elusive mystery of the Divine Light so all might believe through him. Some wondered whether he might be the Light, ⁸ but John was not the Light. He merely pointed to the Light. ⁹ The true Light, who shines upon the heart of everyone, was coming into the cosmos.

Jesus as the Light does not call out from a distant place but draws near by coming into the world.

¹⁰ He entered our world, a world He made; yet the world did not recognize Him. ¹¹ Even though He came to His own people, they refused to listen and receive Him. ¹² But for all who did receive and trust in Him, He gave them the right to be reborn as children of God; ¹³ He bestowed this birthright not by human power or initiative but by God’s will.

¹⁴ The Voice took on flesh and became human and chose to live alongside us. We have seen Him, enveloped in undeniable splendor—the one true Son of the Father—evidenced in the perfect balance of grace and truth. ¹⁵ John the Baptist testified about Him and shouted, “This is the one I’ve been telling you is coming. He is much greater than I am because He existed long before me.” ¹⁶ Through this man we all receive gifts of grace beyond our imagination. ¹⁷ You see, Moses gave usrules to live by, but Jesus the Anointed offered us gifts of grace and truth. ¹⁸ God, unseen until now, is revealed in the Voice, God’s only Son, straight from the Father’s heart.

Second, as we move toward Epiphany, I had an epiphany of my own. How perfect is it that a fresh new year arrives each year right in the middle of the 12 days of Christmas?? A fresh new start. A perfect clean slate for all of the beautiful things that God wants to create in me, in you, in all of us appears right alongside the celebration of His arrival in human form…the celebration of God’s radical reset for humanity. 

Tomorrow I will wake up the same beautiful mess that I am today. The same one of a kind work of art, crafted in detail by the Creator of the Universe. What will I allow God to do in the next 365 days as He continues to live and move and create in me? I’m not a big fan of new year’s resolutions…maybe that’s because I’m not a huge fan of structure. I like to live my life as if there is no box, no limits, and barely any rules outside of BE KIND. So, some years back I started choosing a word for the new year. It feels less binding and leaves all kinds of room for new things to happen, and I have found it to be quite effective for me.

For 2018, I chose two words “open and curious”. My desire was to remain open to what God was doing and join Him there. To allow His direction in my life, my education, my work, my family, and to meet new people, ideas, and opportunities with curiosity. What a journey that’s been! I finished my masters, and watched as God continued to bring together an incredible team at Love139. My family has experienced significant changes and challenges. And I am continuing to be curious and explore new opportunities. 

For 2019, the word is “move”. In all of the busyness of a masters degree, a job, a family, and a new business I have not always done well in making time to move my body in healthy ways. But that’s just one piece of it. I am learning that there are definitely seasons to be still, to wait and watch as God moves. I am also learning that sometimes I can get comfortable and not make the moves that I should be making to join Him at the appropriate time. So, I am committing to move in mind, body, soul, and community. To continue to grow spiritually. To move my body. To act and make moves when it’s appropriate.  

What will your fresh new year look like? Whether you’re a resolution setter or a one-word kind of person like me, I hope you’ll share your hopes for the coming year. I believe there is great power in community and that we can inspire each other to move forward in healthy ways.

As we continue celebrate God wrapped in flesh to bring a reset to the world for these last few days of Christmas and look ahead to a fresh new year, please share your word or your resolutions in the comments. Let’s inspire each other and spend the next 365 days cheering each other on.

I wish you grace and peace for the journey. 

A Worthwhile Workout

Thanks to Facebook, I discovered recently that it has been seven years (to the week!) since God ambushed me with this idea of living fearlessly--because in Him, I can. Seven years since it occurred to me that the concept of “fake it til ya make it” could apply here (and it would have to, because fear had a strong hold on me!). Seven years since the realization that He created me with a spirit of power, and love, and of a sound mind---FOR REAL, in 2 Timothy 1:7, go check it out!

SEVEN YEARS. My, how time flies!

During that seven years, many things have happened. I married my husband, he adopted my (our) son, my daughters have graduated from high school and experienced further education, love, fun, more loss and grief, I went back to school and finished my bachelor’s degree (that took FIVE out of these seven years), I changed career paths, and recently I have begun my master’s degree and embarked into new ministry partnership with my sister while continuing my work with the church. WHEW! All of this because I chose to fake fearlessness and be open to what God has for me, what He has placed in me, and what He is asking me to do.

I can’t lie…there has been a whole lot of wrestling with God in the trenches of that list and a whole lot of fear. Fear of failure, fear of consequence, fear of missing the “right” door to go through, all have been alive and well in me. There have been times of pause and times of hesitation. The beauty of all of it is this: MY GOD IS BIGGER. He is bigger than my fears, bigger than the boxes we try to place Him in, and bigger than the walls of any building we try to house Him in. I choose to trust that and to trust that He has equipped us all. And I choose to trust that He is willing to work through my fears and doubts.

As part of one of my classes I read the book “Starting Something New: Spiritual Direction for Your God-Given Dream” by Beth A. Booram. In the very beginning of the book she makes this statement, “What makes a Spirit-inspired dream important is that it is deposited in you! You are the unique receptacle, and you are the only person who can give birth to it—it’s your baby! God, who knows you intimately through and through, who has fashioned you inside and out and has been with you through thick and thin, has deposited the seed of this dream in you for you to harvest.” I have held tight to this idea that God has a uniquely designed dream planted in me that matches how He has uniquely designed me. I’m passionate about this belief that comes from Psalm 139:14 that says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and that “Your works are good, Lord”. So, I am willing to buy into this idea that the dreams that He plants in us are also fearfully and wonderfully made, and are good.

We also had the privilege of spending a day with Beth Booram engaging in some spiritual formation exercises and hearing more of her own story. I loved hearing more about her own stories of transition and discovery. And, I have to be honest and say that still, quiet, contemplative work is hard for me. So, the formation exercises were a HARD mental and spiritual workout! And, like any other exercise program, it turned out to be OH SO GOOD for my mind and my soul, like running the stairs is OH SO GOOD for my butt.

There was one particular exercise that has left its mark on me in a big way. Beth brought some photos with her that she laid out on a table and had each of us choose one we were most drawn to. Mine was this beautiful baby bird being held ever so gently in the open palm of a human hand. At first, I thought of myself as the bird. I thought about the gentle care this little creature deserved and possibly needed. I considered how hard it is for us to offer ourselves that gentleness, and how important that message is for every single one of us. That whole idea of being uniquely crafted indicates that we need to be uniquely cared for. As I embark on this journey of a master’s program, a new business, and balancing my existing job and my family I want to remember to treat myself that gently and maintain an open palm, not to choke any of what is happening.

Likewise, the bird could be the dream or vision God has planted. The open palm could be mine. How am I going to nurture it without clinging so tightly that I harm it? Our desire to over-control something can be overwhelming!

As time has passed I have continued to reflect on the picture of the little bird. I think God holds us with an open palm. Gently and safely caring for us unless we choose to fly away. Part of His very design in us is our ability to think things through, to question, to understand, to empathize, to play, to move and react to the world around us, and to rest and reflect. His palm is always open, even when we chose not to rest there, allowing us to return time and time again.

All of this from what was a hard mental and spiritual workout.

So, here is some food for thought. A mental and spiritual workout, so to speak. How are you caring for yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Are you building those muscles in all areas? We were created to be whole and healthy within a design that is unique to each of us. YOU are a work of art. Will you handle yourself with gentleness? Will you be open to what God is doing in and around you? Will you have fun and enjoy whatever that is? Can you muster up what it takes to be authentic and move fearlessly even when fear creeps in? Will you wrestle with God when you don’t agree or don’t understand? Because living fearlessly is not really minus fear. It is simply doing the work that allows us to keep moving through it.

The List of Nevers

My son turned eleven on Sunday.  It's crazy how fast that happens.  And as I reflect on the last eleven years he is at the top of a list of things I was committed to never doing again.  His sisters are eighteen and twenty.  As you might imagine, I was done having children...and yet God wasn't finished.  Samuel is hands down the best surprise of my life!  It was a stormy season of my life, and yet here was this beautiful child who still makes me smile at my lowest moments and adds to our lives everyday.  

In January, my husband and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.  He is next on the list of things I was committed to never doing again.  I was NOT getting married EVER again.  NEVER.  My first marriage ended at the hands of alcoholism and the pain is deep.  My son was from another very unhealthy relationship.  I was DONE depending on any other human for anything, and yet here was this man who's gentle strength and consistency brought peace and healing to my heart.  

In September of 2010 I began my journey into ministry life by returning to college at Tabor.  TWO things on the list I was committed to NEVER doing...returning to college, where I knew eventually I would be confronted with the Algebra that I never could pass the first three times, and working in organized religion (so to speak).  And yet again, here I am, serving full time at Woodlawn UMC and still working on a degree.

Today, I am one quiz and one test away from surviving the dreaded Algebra that chased me out of college many years ago and I am humbled and grateful for the encounter with God in 2008 that led me to this verse "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).  The sound mind thing always makes me giggle and the idea of power and love have led me on a journey to live fearlessly as God transforms me, even if I have to fake it occasionally!  In His grace there is peace and stamina for the challenges.

I've released the list of "nevers" and surrendered.  I love my husband, my church family, and my children deeper because of the journey, and very soon I will be a survivor of Intermediate Algebra!  Live fearlessly friends, you were created that way.  ;)

Surrendering Perfection

Three years later I still marvel at the fact that I work for a church.  I often wonder if God has experienced a serious lapse in judgement.  I do not fit the mold of what one might expect.  I am messy and often unfiltered. My life story is more like the woman at the well than what one might expect or even prefer of church staff. I am not steeped in church polity or policy or politics, and most of the time I do not understand the difference between the three.

I have struggle for far more years than I care to count with the idea that Christians are called to some level of perfection that seems unattainable. How do we reconcile the concept of a God who is Love with the idea that He expects us to be perfect and that we might really be "left behind" if we cannot attain it.  After all, we have been taught that Jesus, who I totally believe was fully God and fully human said these words "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48, NIV) What exactly does someone like me do with that??  I've made some dumb mistakes, survived some poor choices, and I still mess up on the regular.  Be PERFECT?? REALLY??

For several years now my answer has been to accept the reality of God as I have experienced Him. His grace has been sufficient in more ways than I can count.  I have experienced peace that I do not deserve, and He has come through for me in ways I could never have asked or predicted.  My journey has been colorful, yet filled with hope and renewal.  I have discovered great joy in embracing the idea that I merely have to be who He created me to be and I have grown increasingly passionate about helping others learn to embrace this same truth, to discover how our gifts and character play into God's story.  Really, this has been a result of the journey, of prayer and experience, of learning to recognize God in the daily grind, not from extensive study of scripture.

Currently I am taking a class on the Sermon On The Mount, Jesus famous sermon during which He made that statement.  It's a classic Bible story.  Many of us heard it in Sunday school and grew up with certain expectations as a result of it.  Last week our professor pointed out that in the original Greek text Jesus used the word telios, meaning complete or whole.  All I could think was are you kidding me??  All of this time it was "be complete"??  Now I am no great scholar, but this is a real game changer.  Be complete.  This is a whole different statement in our culture than "be perfect". This is a concept I can get behind.  I can wrap my brain around the idea that the One who created me desires to continually work to complete what He started in me. I can invest myself and strive to become all that He made me to be.  When I think of how I have experienced God in my own journey and how he is constantly transforming me and how my understanding of Him and His people has grown and evolved, I can embrace the idea of becoming complete.  

The truth is that I surrendered the idea of perfection 15 years ago when my first marriage ended.  I spent the next several years wrestling with the powerful realization that perfect was impossible and that somehow God has been faithful, regardless.  Last week as I embraced this new phrase, be complete, I felt lighter, more confident, even loved, and yet incredibly humbled.  I even shared this with others and took notice as their faces changed and even their posture as I spoke the words be complete.  So, Be complete, friends.  Surrender perfection and embrace the grace that invites you to become all that you were created to be. I want to invite you to find contentment in the process and to rest.  Rest and breathe and allow yourself to embrace grace.  Be complete friends, as your Father in heaven is complete. 

A Mini-Van, A Buddha Statue, A Box of Ashes, and a WHOLE Lot of Hope

I'll never forget the day that I called the chaplain from Valley Hope as I lay (literally in the fetal position, at the end of my rope) on the floor in the office of my home in tears.  "He's drinking again.....I don't know what to do.......*sobbing* All I want is peace....I NEED peace....."  The gentle voice on the other end of the line said "Why do you stay?  Why have you not divorced him?"  Still sobbing I explained that I meant the vows that I said and that I don't believe in divorce and I believed God hated divorce.  Again with the gentle voice "Shelly, you are side stepping God's grace".  In that moment and the moments to follow the peace that passes all understanding flooded my body, my mind, and my soul as he began to explain to me that this was not what God wants.  He told me God loved me and my daughters and that those girls were my first priority, gifts given to me by God.  He explained to me that God is merciful and did not condemn me to punishment for the rest of my life at the hands of someone else's choices over which I had no control. I had heard about grace my whole life, and this peace that passes all understanding.  I never really grasped what it meant until that day.   Suddenly, there it was, real and tangible in a way that I would have never imagined until I FELT IT.

In the months that followed I did file for divorce.  I was forced to send John's daughter to her mother in Georgia after raising her for nearly eight years. I did focus on my girls and tried to learn to take care of myself in ways that allowed me to effectively be present for them.  Throughout the process of divorce his family kept close contact with me and I kept as much of an eye out for him as I could without compromising the safety and well-being of my daughters (or myself) until they could get him into treatment for a third time.  The alcohol nearly killed him at that time, and yet God loved John, too.  So by the very same grace, some timely angels from AA were able to get him to the VA hospital where he received medical help, detox assistance, and six months of rehab.  Five years later, John died of alcoholism shortly after losing his brother to cancer.

At the time, I was in another relationship and had just given birth to my son.  John's role in the girls lives was an occasional phone call.  They had only seen him once since our failed attempt to reunite after that six months of treatment.  That visit was a mixed bag of blessed time with their dad and some extremely unhealthy circumstances.  The relationship I was in was a mess and I was still begging, searching for healing.  His death brought relief and deep pain all at the same time, much like when you lose a family member who has suffered a long cancer battle.  Alcoholism is equally as evil.

Fast forward to today. I'm remarried to a man who adopted my son and who treats the girls as his own.  I have a job I am passionate about.  I'm in the process of finally finishing my degree.  Both of my daughters are in college and are amazing young adults.   Their older sister (John's daughter) has returned to Kansas to make it her home.  My son is now 10, and growing strong and healthy.  He is blessed to have little knowledge of the turmoil that brought us to this season.

In December we lost John's sister.  His last living sibling and my friend and big sister for the last 22 years.  As we sat in the priest's office days before the service to celebrate her life, the priest began to ask us to share.  She also shared with us that she wanted to speak of hope and resurrection in her sermon. She knew that on the day of Chris's passing she would have been celebrating TWENTY SIX years of sobriety, that Chris has raised Sarah as a single parent, that Chris had loved well and served well (both in AA and in the church, as well as in her vocation).  As she told us this, I lost all composure.  Of course she should speak of hope and new life!  Chris spoke life into many and into some very dark circumstances, including my own.  I will forever hear her words "just focus on the next right thing" as I continue to move through my life.  I am deeply grateful for her role in my own journey of hope and resurrection.

So, in August, we moved his mom here to Kansas from Arkansas to be close to us.  She is a fascinating woman who I was attached to immediately upon meeting her.  In the 22 years I've known her, she has lost her parents, her husband, and all three of her children.  Yet, she presses on with grace, faith, and dignity. She also is no stranger to finding hope and resurrection in very dark circumstances. It made sense to bring her close so the girls and I can take active part in her life, to be present in everyday life and to be accessible when she needs us.  She purchased a lovely home large enough for the rest of her grandchildren to fly in and visit as often as possible. And, I enjoy her friendship and support.

My husband went with me last month to help oversee the movers, load our vehicle and hers, and drive a vehicle back.  He was putting the box with her Buddha statue (a beautiful peace of art, not a 'god' in her home) in the back of her mini-van as I was placing John's ashes in the van as well.  I laughed and cried as I thought about the craziness of it all.  My husband held me and took it all in stride.  He is steady and I was so grateful to have him there.

Driving back from Arkansas with a Buddha statue, my deceased ex-husband's ashes in a box, and his mother who I adore and still get to claim as my own, I was reminded yet again that God is much bigger, much stronger, much wiser, and FAR more creative than I could ever possibly wrap my brain around.  I was reminded that what my human mind envisioned as proper healing didn't even come close to comparing to the journey that was ahead.  For all of the times that I begged God to heal my family fifteen years ago, the truth is...He did.  I never could have pictured my life as it is today.

It doesn't look like anyone might have expected.  My marriage ended.  Another failed relationship happened.  There were moments when I could barely float, let alone tread water or keep swimming. And yet there has been tremendous healing, and the healing continues.

I become easily frustrated when I feel as if man made rules and expectations interfere with our ability to see God at work.  Our vision is so very limited and His is vast beyond our comprehension. My very colorful, very diverse family is living breathing proof that the Creator of the Universe is STILL creating in us, for us, around us, and through us.  We can box the Buddha statue, but we CANNOT box the great I AM.

Meet Abbey Dollard.....

As parents we only ever hope and pray we are making right decisions and the decisions we make impact our kids in positive ways.  For almost twenty years now being a mom who raised my kids to be effective adults "someday" has been my primary purpose.  Many of those years I parented alone which made the challenges different. Mistakes were made and victories won. Despite my own humanness, God is faithful and so far so good on the whole "effective adults" thing.  In fact, I'm so proud of who they are and humbled by their giftedness that words fail me.

Today....we are steadily approaching "someday" for my baby girl and I have invited her to be a guest writer on my blog.  She has a great story, a great heart, and an even greater vision.  AND, she needs our help to begin the next chapter of her journey.

Meet Abbey Dollard......

As a young girl, two years old to be exact, I was diagnosed with Alport’s Syndrome. This is a genetic condition that mostly affects the kidneys, but may also lead to hearing loss and abnormalities in the eye.

The diagnosing process started when my parents noticed, without going into any great detail, some uncommon characteristics about my urine.

My mom took me to our pediatrician, Dr. Camilo H. Palacio, thinking it was all just some sort of infection. The realization that it was more came when I had to go back every day to get my blood pressure and weight checked. Some might have thought I had all this cute baby fat, the doctor, however, knew I had all this bad water weight that I was not losing.

Dr. Palacio was the doctor who changed it all. As we went through the everyday process of worry and exhaustion trying to figure out what was going on, he took the time out of his day to continue researching my condition even off the clock. While at home with his family, he made the discovery that it was, in fact, all linked to my kidneys.

This lead to the process of finding a nephrologist. In Wichita, there was no pediatric nephrologist. Trying to compensate, a nephrologist, agreed to see me. Although she clearly was NOT a kid’s person, she was a sweet lady to try. But anyone who knows me, knows that to this day, I tend to be a lot to handle. Making that arrangement more difficult than helpful.

Once again, Dr. Palacio came to the rescue helping us get connected with Dr. Stanley Hellerstein. Now this guy was cool. Here I was, three years old, and I was the doctor. Me, Abigail Dollard, high and mighty in the doctor’s chair. No one could stop me now, not even my mom every time she told me, “Abigail don’t play on the rolling stool, that’s the doctor’s chair”.  When I responded with “I AM the doctor”, Dr. Hellerstein agreed. He let me be just as important as him. I was no longer the little girl with the kidney problems; I was also the one helping change lives.

What Dr. Palacio and Dr. Hellerstein do not know is that they influenced me so much at such a young age. Not only did they bring peace of mind to my family on my condition, but they showed me how great of an impact pediatric doctors can have on children.

As I’ve grown up, I have spent a lot of time working with kids. Whether it’s been babysitting on the weekends, the two kids I pick up and watch every day after school, my three summers spent at the Mulvane Recreation Center in the Pre-Kindergarten class, or volunteering at the church. If it’s given me the opportunity to work with them and hopefully positively influence them with even just a smile, I’ve taken it. Because Dr. Palacio and Dr. Hellerstein gave my three year old little self, at the very least, enough reassurance to be normal enough to smile.

Along with my love for kids, I also have a love for science. I came to realization of my love for science through my seventh grade teacher, Kara Gilbert. Her love for what she did made it visible to me how easy it is to take something you love and run with it. She may not have any clue that she’s what helped push me to further my studies in science, but I’ll forever give her the credit. I’ve had many great science teachers that have also helped me at my higher level classes, but I would never have considered taking these classes without having yet another amazing person influence me to do so.

One of those other science teachers is Nicole Streff-Collignon. She has been my freshman year Biology teacher and is now currently my AP Biology teacher. AP Biology has been by far my most challenging course so far, but definitely my favorite. I’ve learned that with a teacher willing to do what it takes for you to understand without pushing you to the point of losing your love for the subject, anything can be accomplished (apparently even genetics can be accomplished). Closer to the beginning of the year, she nominated me to participate in the Careers in Medicine Leadership Forum. Graciously, I have accepted the nomination and am very excited to say I will be going to Chicago at the end of June.

My love for science and my love for kids is how I came to pursuing a career as a pediatrician. I have been accepted into Southwestern College to take part in their Pre-Med program along with signing to be a part of their Leadership program, which will help further develop my skills giving me an even bigger opportunity to positively influence lives.

Through all of my opportunities and wildest dreams, I hope to someday give significance to someone else the way I feel these people have given significance to me. It may be that three year old little girl in the chair that needs to hear that she is the doctor, or it may be the mom that needs to know her baby is going to be okay. Whomever it may be and whatever situation it may be, if I can step in and do everything possible to help, I will feel as though I’ve done what I am created to do. Because I see purpose in all of the things that these people have done for me and it will be an honor to give that purpose back. 

Help Abbey.....

• Please pray for her journey and continued insight.
• You can make a donation for her trip to Chicago here:  http://www.gofundme.com/5gp4kk 
• AND, you can watch for other great opportunities to help as well as updates on her journey by liking her page here:  https://www.facebook.com/AbbeysChicagoHope?ref=hl&bookmark_t=page

THANK YOU!

From the depths of my soul I thank you for taking time to read Abbey's story, for praying for her on this journey, and to the many of you who have supported and loved us over many years!  My heart is full and God is good.... ALL  the time!

Jesus & Genesis PURE....Really?

Driving home from Hays Kansas to Mulvane Kansas and reflecting on this crazy journey that has been my life and the craziness that God continues to provide.  It’s been a long time since I have posted to my blog and with some prodding it appears to be time to start posting again.

Kurt and I left Mulvane yesterday without any of our children in tow.  This is only the second night in our married life we have been away from home without any of them, the first one being our honeymoon three and a half years ago.  We were headed to Hays to hear Dr. Lindsey Duncan speak on wellness, life, and nutrition.  We enjoyed our time together in the car and stopped for a relaxing dinner in Salina before we met up with friends in Hays for some adult beverages and socializing.

It’s crazy to think we were without kids.  It’s crazy to realize that NEVER happens.  And it might be even crazier to think that we drove all that way for a gathering related to a direct marketing company.

 

We joined this company called Genesis PURE back in March.  I was looking for weight loss and energy products.  Because let’s face it, at 43 with fibromyalgia, osteo-arthritis, and a sketchy digestive system I was going to need all the help I could get to restart my (what seemed to be) halted metabolism.  I had spent the better part of the prior two years seeking answers, help, anything to feel better and all I was getting was fatter, grumpier, and more lethargic.  The fibro meds were making me tired and sweaty.  I was popping Tums like they were M&M’s and I had lost all energy and ability to hit the gym. 

Don’t get me wrong.  In the grand scheme of things, I had very little to complain about.  I have been blessed in ways that I struggle to find words to explain.  There was a time in my life when I would have told you I will never marry again because healthy marriages ended with my parents’ generation.  There was a time when I would have told you I will never work in a church because it is filled with politics and bullshit that Jesus never intended to be there.  And yet, here I am with this wonderful husband and beautifully woven church family that I am humbled and honored to serve.  Humans are messy.   I am among the messiest and I have found peace and grace among brokenness.  I have a list of gratitudes longer than there is space for, and I can honestly say that I have found spiritual and mental peace in ways that I never believed existed.

When it came to the medical issues I believed I was being forced to accept some kind of new normal.  If I could drop a few pounds, though……maybe it would not be QUITE so bad.  However, when I began to hear that there are supplements out there made entirely of the food God meant for us to eat and that people were experiencing miraculous results (Yes, MIRACULOUS) my mind raced at the thought “maybe this does not have to be normal”.  Kurt must have had similar ideas, because after some discussion we jumped in together the next day and haven’t looked back.  

With the new goal of getting off the meds I put weight loss and energy on the back burner with the belief that if I could feel better those things would come.  So, on March 16^th when our products arrived we began this seemingly crazy journey toward physical health as a family.  By the end of May I was off my fibro meds, my allergy meds, and all over the counter pain meds.  Today, I am back in a love/hate relationship with the treadmill, down ten pounds, and moving better than I have in TEN years (or more!).  I have energy to spare! 

Again, here I am in the midst of something I never believed I would do.  I’m not one to do direct marketing or commission only sales of any kind.  I have never had any desire to stock inventory, track orders, do home parties, makeovers, woo people with hostess gifts, or play cheesy games for discounts.  I returned to school for ministry almost three years ago and have diligently worked to fulfill this calling to serve Jesus by serving others.  Genesis PURE does not ask me to do anything that takes me away from that AND I don’t have to do any of the aforementioned list of silliness.

My heart is in helping others find their “sweet spot” in life.  You know, that place where you live, work, and serve within your strengths in such a way that you know that you know that you know you are the person you were created to be.  I’m sure you have heard it said “find something you love and figure out how to make a living at it.”  I feel like I live in my “sweet spot” and it’s an AMAZING place to be!  Not because I make a bunch of money (because I don’t), but because I am living within my calling and serving within my strengths.  We were each created in a way that is unique and with purpose and when you can find that, the fulfillment is overwhelming!  We are currently offering an opportunity to begin this journey through a class called Servant by Design at our church and it is by FAR my favorite part of my “job”.  It sounds so cliché and yet being the best YOU that you can be really facilitates fulfillment in all aspects of one’s life.  Relationships heal and become healthy, careers fall into place, and grace is experienced in ways that allow us to see God in very real and tangible ways.

Today as Dr. Lindsey spoke of “caring for this human frame”, he expressed that our bodies are not our own, that we should care for this temple we were given to live in.  He read from Genesis how God provided food for us and from 1 Corinthians about how we are to care for one another as well.  He encouraged us to spread the message of wellness with pure intentions and educated us on ways to cleanse, balance, and build our bodies.  He reminded us that healing comes from God, and that our bodies are created in such a way that they will heal when we fuel them properly.  As he spoke, I realized that in the last six months this cleansing, balancing, and building of my body, my temple, has been part of becoming the me God created me to be.  It’s part of living in that “sweet spot”.  I feel better than I have felt in well over ten years and it keeps getting better.  I am more capable of serving others now, than ever before.   

So, while I can imagine that some of my friends and family might think I have jumped off the deep end of crazy because I think you can carry a gun, marry the one you love, find life and love after divorce, get a tattoo, have an adult beverage, use food as medicine, and use the word bullshit in your blog, I can’t help but think of the radical, non-traditional way that Jesus taught us to love.  He lived WAY out of the box….talking to people He was not supposed to talk to, eating with people He was not supposed to eat with, touching people He was not supposed to touch, forgiving sins that the human system did not allow forgiveness for…..and all I can think is JUMP, BE CRAZY, BE RADICAL, BE OUT OF THE BOX.  Find new ways to live well, love better and stronger, and BE grace. 

I honestly don’t have a clue how it all fits together.  God has wild plans and outrageous ideas and my life continues to display it.  All I know is that God arrived as Jesus to save my soul by grace and He has blessed me with the gift of Genesis PURE to salvage what’s left of this body (this temple) that I have been given to walk this earth in. I am grateful, humbled, amazed, and continually compelled to share what He is doing in my life.

What a Journey!!

It's been a while since I've posted anything.  So much has happened and I struggle when my heart and mind are swamped.  I anticipated that I would post a graduation tribute for my Lizzi, who graduated from Mulvane High on May 19th.  It was so hard to really wrap my mind around all of the things I wanted to say to her that I kept putting it off.  We had an amazing weekend filled with friends and family.  Watching Lizzi move through her senior year has sparked lots and lots of emotion for me.  There are not words to describe how amazing I really think she is.  And experiencing the weekend of celebration is really beyond words as well. 

Lizzi was five when her dad and I divorced, and she was 9 when he died.  I was in another very unhealthy relationship from the time she was 7 until she was 12.  She is the oldest and she has loved, protected, and "mothered" her siblings in ways she never should have needed to.  By all rights, she could have been a real mess.  However, we were loved and supported by a number of amazing people who surrounded us daily.  We have wonderful family and dedicated friends who we also call family.  Our weekend celebration consisted of an incredible mix of people, blood family, step-family, adopted family, all who have contributed in some way to who she is and who she will be.

Lizzi has grown into quite a young woman.  She moves through life with an ease of spirit that many never find.  She has deep faith, a solid sense of family, a commitment to making right decisions, and plans for a bright future.  Her heart is tender, most of the time her mindset is solid (ha! She is MY daughter so she can't be of sound mind ALL the time!), and she has her priorities in better order than many adults I know.  I'm quite proud and yet, quite humble when I consider what could have been and the number of people God placed in our lives to come alongside her.  I am flooded with gratitude.

Two short weeks later (while I was still trying to wrap my brain around graduation), my sister called late in the evening which is not the norm.  My brother-in-law was in the hospital.  I could feel her anxiety more than usual which left me pacing and upon her second phone call I raced to the hospital to be with them late into the night.  And so began a journey I find it difficult to write about.  He had fought a long hard battle with a rare soft tissue sarcoma (cancer-I hate even using the word), and now it had metastasized in his brain.  She has blogged over the years on it and I can in no way express the things that she shares.  What I can share is that the next ten days were brutal, taking me to places in my walk with God I had never experienced. I stood by watching her wait, pray, and hear from doctors that the fight was over.  I watched as events occurred in ways that could only be explained by the presence of  a loving and merciful God.  I sat with her as she explained to him that there was nothing left to do.  We moved to hospice.  We met with doctors, nurses, and social workers regarding the best ways to keep him comfortable.  We sat with him through fear, frustration, anger, and disorientation.  I sat with her as she explained to their children (ages 8, 10, & 25) that daddy would be on his way to heaven very soon.  And on day eleven, brutal changed to peaceful and I sat with her as she cheered him home to the arms of a loving Savior who would heal him in ways no earthly doctor ever could have.  She knew, and he knew right where he was headed and it was victory!  Together they crossed the finish line in a way that many of us could never imagine and I was there to witness it and the very presence of God was there in a way I had never experienced. 

When we left the hospital that afternoon, we stopped for some comfort food.  A pepsi and a snickers.  Our mom's snack of choice.  We're certain she was there to greet my brother-in-law upon his arrival in Glory.  We were comforted by Steven Curtis Chapman's "Long Way Home" on the radio.  We called our pastor.  We laughed and cried, and laughed and cried.  We gathered with family and told her children.  My own girls who were just seven and nine when they lost their dad came right away to scoop them up, and as a family we began to mourn.  We laughed as much as we cried.  The memorial service was one of celebration of life.  My sister has been surrounded by two church families and the dearest and most precious of friends.  New friendships were started.  There has been love and community at its finest.  Life continues, and it continues to be celebrated. 

In awe, I consider that while I celebrate Lizzi's great success and the beginning of her new journeys, I also watch as my neice and nephew at such young ages embark on a similar path all these years later.  I know that my sister will not make some of my mistakes (she's always been the smarter one).  I know that the kids will be loved and supported in ways that will allow them to grow into wonderful people just as Lizzi and Abbey have.  Most importantly, I know that there is sufficient grace for the road ahead.  I know that regardless of the storms life sends our way, our God has made a promise.  He will never leave us.  "Every single step of the long way home....."

I cannot post this without sharing a couple of links.  First, the song.  (The super cute Lego video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lq9UWomEAVg 

And, second, the link to my sister's blog.  She's one of the most inspiring writers I've ever read.   She's very real and has a faith that won't quit.  So, if you haven't begun to follow her already, I encourage you to take some time to read it. 
http://mrs1inamillion.blogspot.com/2012/06/june-14th-2012.html

The Ultimate in Fearlessness and Humility

Just a handful of days ago we celebrated Palm Sunday, marking the beginning of Holy Week.  Growing up in church, year after year children would enter the sanctuary waving palm branches while the congregation sang "Hosanna!".  This year was no different in many churches across the world.  We faithfully mark Jesus' triumphant entrance into Jerusalem and as we grow in faith we begin to really understand the humility He portrayed and the insane twist that was to take place in the days to follow.  It seems each year during this time something new stands out to me.  And each year I wonder "why have I never grasped this??"  It amazes me how polluted my mind can be with petty details that aren't mine to worry about.

On Sunday evening I felt a sense of wonder and joy as I considered the day's celebrations.  Services at our church seemed especially "alive" and I had truly enjoyed the day.  However, that evening there came a realization of what the next day held for Jesus, let alone the remainder of the week.  I am ashamed to confess that I spent far too many years going through the motions of Easter failing to stop and attempt to absorb the magnitude of it all. 

So, Jesus makes this grand entrance into Jerusalem on Sunday.  Then, Monday being what Monday tends to be, Jesus finds the temple turned into a market place and becomes enraged, throwing tables and yelling "you have turned my house into a den of thieves!!".  The thought occurred to me Sunday evening that Jesus clearly knew what was coming in the week ahead, he had already begun to prepare the disciples.  Ya think He might have been a little stressed? 

Despite the impending doom, Jesus continued to teach and live out His purpose.  Last night many Christians celebrated communion and the washing of feet.  Those final hours of His ministry on this earth were spent humbly feeding His disciples teaching them to remember, and kneeling to wash each of their feet cleansing them in the most humble way, as a servant and yet as their leader.  If you have ever had someone you respect greatly kneel in front of you to wash your feet, you can merely begin to grasp the significance of those moments.

The hours that followed were filled with fear and betrayal as Jesus prayed, and waited.  If you read the story you find that Jesus, being fully human, asked God if there were any other way.....and when there was no other way revealed, being fully God, he followed the plan to fearlessly, relentlessly, love us enough....not just to die, but to suffer greatly and then die.

It's just after 8:00am on Good Friday as I write.  There's a list of things to do on this day to prepare for the weekend.  I have shopping to do, ironing to be done, laundry, take Lizzi to have her dress pinned for alteration, and on and on.  Yet, in the deepest part of my heart there is the craziest mix of sadness, joy, gratitude, and wonder of the realization that on this day over 2000 years ago, at this moment, my beloved savior, my rescuer, the only One who would ever truly love me unconditionally, was sitting in a cell the size of a card board box waiting to be tortured and die the most cruel of deaths so that we can live freely.  He knew what was coming, even while those who had him arrested were discussing over breakfast what to do with Him.

Tonight, we will remember.  Tomorrow we will wait and go through the motions of our day, planning, doing our regular Saturday errands and chores because we already know that Sunday is coming.  We have the peace of knowing that there IS, in fact, a Resurrection to celebrate.  I can't begin to fathom what it must have been like for Jesus' followers all those years ago......they had to feel lost and empty.  And then, the wave of mixed emotions when the women went to the tomb only to find it empty.  I hope that you will take a moment to crawl inside the story in a whole new way this weekend.  My prayer is that we will all find newness in the old, old stories of Jesus. As we celebrate Easter, in the midst of bunnies and eggs, we can find a deeper understanding of the forgiveness that is the final result of what was the most stressful week of Jesus' life on this earth.  And as we are confronted with the ins and outs, the stresses and joys of our lives in the days, weeks, and months to come we will find quiet moments to remember, accept, and apply this unimaginable gift of unconditional love and forgiveness. 

Embracing Grace

It's March!  Time for Sam's birthday, my birthday, daylight savings time (which equates to lots of sunshine), spring break, and lots of basketball.  March marks the arrival of spring and while many of us are preparing our brackets for March Madness, many are also preparing our hearts to celebrate the victory of the resurrection of Jesus. There are so many things that I love about this time of year!  It seems a little cheesy, but the simple sound of the birds in the morning combined with the smell of coffee brings me pure joy and hope for what the new day holds.  As the grass and trees become more green it is a time of renewal and a reminder that out of death rises life and beauty, hope for new beginnings. 

One evening last week I was at work (at God's house-I love that part!) for a meeting.  As people started to gather a precious face from my past walked through the door.  It took a moment, but when I realized how I knew her it was all I could do not to simply weep.  This angel had been my Alanon sponsor during a time when my whole world had been ripped apart by alcoholism and I was desperately trying to figure out how to survive.  I was flooded with emotion as I got to thank her for literally saving my life and for helping me stand up and be the mom I wanted to be in order to give Lizzi and Abbey (and eventually Sam) the life they deserve.  I got to not only thank her, but for a few short moments before the meeting I got to share with her the fruits of the seeds she had planted with me.  She was the one who encouraged me to be honest with my girls so they would always know they could count on me and repeatedly reminded me that if I took care of myself so that I could be okay-they would be okay also.  The encouragement that she and a small group of regulars gave me each week kept me praying and leaning on God.  It was during that time that I discovered how amazing grace really is.  So I got to tell her how great the girls are and give her the credit she deserves.  The church I work in is where the Alanon group used to meet all those years ago.  Again, I am in awe of the journey and overwhelmed with gratitude.

The next night, I faked fearlessness and filled in for Pastor Adam to facilitate some discussion with the Alpha group he's been teaching so that he could go fake a little fearlessness of his own.  This is an amazing group of people and I knew I was in over my head.  The great thing is that when I'm in over my head, I know who put me there.  And I know He won't let me drown....as long as I leave Him in charge.  We talked over our thoughts and experiences in what it means to really follow Jesus rather than simply believing.  A member of the group pointed out that you have to embrace grace in order to effectively follow Jesus and extend grace.  I've been really chewing on that statement.  What exactly does that look and feel like?

Embracing grace can be complicated.  It can be difficult to understand, particularly for those who have a deep need/desire to do things "right".  I know many who have struggled with it for various reasons, including myself.  It's difficult to allow myself to be human, make mistakes, and in some cases it has even been difficult to allow myself to feel, for fear of being hurt.  When we don't allow ourselves to fully receive the grace and forgiveness Jesus offers us, we are cheating ourselves and others out of the life of freedom we were meant to live.  Embracing grace and living a life of freedom doesn't mean to flounder around carelessly doing whatever feels good, knowing we are forgiven......it means to live well, trusting that our Creator loves us no matter what, allowing ourselves to be human, allowing ourselves to be all that He created us to be, and living in relationship with Him as we discover just what all of that is.  Embracing grace requires us to drop legalism, surrender to Jesus, and to forgive.  Love God and love others.  It's that simple.  (Mark 12:29-31)

I've found that living fearlessly requires me to accept grace.  The ability to move ahead fearlessly is about trusting that my life is the hands of the Living God.  It's never about feeling fearless.  It's always about trusting that I don't have to be afraid.  As we move closer to Easter stop for a moment......take a deep breath, and remember that there is grace and that you don't have to earn it.  Cut yourself a break!  Enjoy the longer days and rest knowing that you have nothing to fear and no shame to carry!  Happy Spring!