What a Journey!!

It's been a while since I've posted anything.  So much has happened and I struggle when my heart and mind are swamped.  I anticipated that I would post a graduation tribute for my Lizzi, who graduated from Mulvane High on May 19th.  It was so hard to really wrap my mind around all of the things I wanted to say to her that I kept putting it off.  We had an amazing weekend filled with friends and family.  Watching Lizzi move through her senior year has sparked lots and lots of emotion for me.  There are not words to describe how amazing I really think she is.  And experiencing the weekend of celebration is really beyond words as well. 

Lizzi was five when her dad and I divorced, and she was 9 when he died.  I was in another very unhealthy relationship from the time she was 7 until she was 12.  She is the oldest and she has loved, protected, and "mothered" her siblings in ways she never should have needed to.  By all rights, she could have been a real mess.  However, we were loved and supported by a number of amazing people who surrounded us daily.  We have wonderful family and dedicated friends who we also call family.  Our weekend celebration consisted of an incredible mix of people, blood family, step-family, adopted family, all who have contributed in some way to who she is and who she will be.

Lizzi has grown into quite a young woman.  She moves through life with an ease of spirit that many never find.  She has deep faith, a solid sense of family, a commitment to making right decisions, and plans for a bright future.  Her heart is tender, most of the time her mindset is solid (ha! She is MY daughter so she can't be of sound mind ALL the time!), and she has her priorities in better order than many adults I know.  I'm quite proud and yet, quite humble when I consider what could have been and the number of people God placed in our lives to come alongside her.  I am flooded with gratitude.

Two short weeks later (while I was still trying to wrap my brain around graduation), my sister called late in the evening which is not the norm.  My brother-in-law was in the hospital.  I could feel her anxiety more than usual which left me pacing and upon her second phone call I raced to the hospital to be with them late into the night.  And so began a journey I find it difficult to write about.  He had fought a long hard battle with a rare soft tissue sarcoma (cancer-I hate even using the word), and now it had metastasized in his brain.  She has blogged over the years on it and I can in no way express the things that she shares.  What I can share is that the next ten days were brutal, taking me to places in my walk with God I had never experienced. I stood by watching her wait, pray, and hear from doctors that the fight was over.  I watched as events occurred in ways that could only be explained by the presence of  a loving and merciful God.  I sat with her as she explained to him that there was nothing left to do.  We moved to hospice.  We met with doctors, nurses, and social workers regarding the best ways to keep him comfortable.  We sat with him through fear, frustration, anger, and disorientation.  I sat with her as she explained to their children (ages 8, 10, & 25) that daddy would be on his way to heaven very soon.  And on day eleven, brutal changed to peaceful and I sat with her as she cheered him home to the arms of a loving Savior who would heal him in ways no earthly doctor ever could have.  She knew, and he knew right where he was headed and it was victory!  Together they crossed the finish line in a way that many of us could never imagine and I was there to witness it and the very presence of God was there in a way I had never experienced. 

When we left the hospital that afternoon, we stopped for some comfort food.  A pepsi and a snickers.  Our mom's snack of choice.  We're certain she was there to greet my brother-in-law upon his arrival in Glory.  We were comforted by Steven Curtis Chapman's "Long Way Home" on the radio.  We called our pastor.  We laughed and cried, and laughed and cried.  We gathered with family and told her children.  My own girls who were just seven and nine when they lost their dad came right away to scoop them up, and as a family we began to mourn.  We laughed as much as we cried.  The memorial service was one of celebration of life.  My sister has been surrounded by two church families and the dearest and most precious of friends.  New friendships were started.  There has been love and community at its finest.  Life continues, and it continues to be celebrated. 

In awe, I consider that while I celebrate Lizzi's great success and the beginning of her new journeys, I also watch as my neice and nephew at such young ages embark on a similar path all these years later.  I know that my sister will not make some of my mistakes (she's always been the smarter one).  I know that the kids will be loved and supported in ways that will allow them to grow into wonderful people just as Lizzi and Abbey have.  Most importantly, I know that there is sufficient grace for the road ahead.  I know that regardless of the storms life sends our way, our God has made a promise.  He will never leave us.  "Every single step of the long way home....."

I cannot post this without sharing a couple of links.  First, the song.  (The super cute Lego video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lq9UWomEAVg 

And, second, the link to my sister's blog.  She's one of the most inspiring writers I've ever read.   She's very real and has a faith that won't quit.  So, if you haven't begun to follow her already, I encourage you to take some time to read it. 
http://mrs1inamillion.blogspot.com/2012/06/june-14th-2012.html

The Ultimate in Fearlessness and Humility

Just a handful of days ago we celebrated Palm Sunday, marking the beginning of Holy Week.  Growing up in church, year after year children would enter the sanctuary waving palm branches while the congregation sang "Hosanna!".  This year was no different in many churches across the world.  We faithfully mark Jesus' triumphant entrance into Jerusalem and as we grow in faith we begin to really understand the humility He portrayed and the insane twist that was to take place in the days to follow.  It seems each year during this time something new stands out to me.  And each year I wonder "why have I never grasped this??"  It amazes me how polluted my mind can be with petty details that aren't mine to worry about.

On Sunday evening I felt a sense of wonder and joy as I considered the day's celebrations.  Services at our church seemed especially "alive" and I had truly enjoyed the day.  However, that evening there came a realization of what the next day held for Jesus, let alone the remainder of the week.  I am ashamed to confess that I spent far too many years going through the motions of Easter failing to stop and attempt to absorb the magnitude of it all. 

So, Jesus makes this grand entrance into Jerusalem on Sunday.  Then, Monday being what Monday tends to be, Jesus finds the temple turned into a market place and becomes enraged, throwing tables and yelling "you have turned my house into a den of thieves!!".  The thought occurred to me Sunday evening that Jesus clearly knew what was coming in the week ahead, he had already begun to prepare the disciples.  Ya think He might have been a little stressed? 

Despite the impending doom, Jesus continued to teach and live out His purpose.  Last night many Christians celebrated communion and the washing of feet.  Those final hours of His ministry on this earth were spent humbly feeding His disciples teaching them to remember, and kneeling to wash each of their feet cleansing them in the most humble way, as a servant and yet as their leader.  If you have ever had someone you respect greatly kneel in front of you to wash your feet, you can merely begin to grasp the significance of those moments.

The hours that followed were filled with fear and betrayal as Jesus prayed, and waited.  If you read the story you find that Jesus, being fully human, asked God if there were any other way.....and when there was no other way revealed, being fully God, he followed the plan to fearlessly, relentlessly, love us enough....not just to die, but to suffer greatly and then die.

It's just after 8:00am on Good Friday as I write.  There's a list of things to do on this day to prepare for the weekend.  I have shopping to do, ironing to be done, laundry, take Lizzi to have her dress pinned for alteration, and on and on.  Yet, in the deepest part of my heart there is the craziest mix of sadness, joy, gratitude, and wonder of the realization that on this day over 2000 years ago, at this moment, my beloved savior, my rescuer, the only One who would ever truly love me unconditionally, was sitting in a cell the size of a card board box waiting to be tortured and die the most cruel of deaths so that we can live freely.  He knew what was coming, even while those who had him arrested were discussing over breakfast what to do with Him.

Tonight, we will remember.  Tomorrow we will wait and go through the motions of our day, planning, doing our regular Saturday errands and chores because we already know that Sunday is coming.  We have the peace of knowing that there IS, in fact, a Resurrection to celebrate.  I can't begin to fathom what it must have been like for Jesus' followers all those years ago......they had to feel lost and empty.  And then, the wave of mixed emotions when the women went to the tomb only to find it empty.  I hope that you will take a moment to crawl inside the story in a whole new way this weekend.  My prayer is that we will all find newness in the old, old stories of Jesus. As we celebrate Easter, in the midst of bunnies and eggs, we can find a deeper understanding of the forgiveness that is the final result of what was the most stressful week of Jesus' life on this earth.  And as we are confronted with the ins and outs, the stresses and joys of our lives in the days, weeks, and months to come we will find quiet moments to remember, accept, and apply this unimaginable gift of unconditional love and forgiveness. 

Embracing Grace

It's March!  Time for Sam's birthday, my birthday, daylight savings time (which equates to lots of sunshine), spring break, and lots of basketball.  March marks the arrival of spring and while many of us are preparing our brackets for March Madness, many are also preparing our hearts to celebrate the victory of the resurrection of Jesus. There are so many things that I love about this time of year!  It seems a little cheesy, but the simple sound of the birds in the morning combined with the smell of coffee brings me pure joy and hope for what the new day holds.  As the grass and trees become more green it is a time of renewal and a reminder that out of death rises life and beauty, hope for new beginnings. 

One evening last week I was at work (at God's house-I love that part!) for a meeting.  As people started to gather a precious face from my past walked through the door.  It took a moment, but when I realized how I knew her it was all I could do not to simply weep.  This angel had been my Alanon sponsor during a time when my whole world had been ripped apart by alcoholism and I was desperately trying to figure out how to survive.  I was flooded with emotion as I got to thank her for literally saving my life and for helping me stand up and be the mom I wanted to be in order to give Lizzi and Abbey (and eventually Sam) the life they deserve.  I got to not only thank her, but for a few short moments before the meeting I got to share with her the fruits of the seeds she had planted with me.  She was the one who encouraged me to be honest with my girls so they would always know they could count on me and repeatedly reminded me that if I took care of myself so that I could be okay-they would be okay also.  The encouragement that she and a small group of regulars gave me each week kept me praying and leaning on God.  It was during that time that I discovered how amazing grace really is.  So I got to tell her how great the girls are and give her the credit she deserves.  The church I work in is where the Alanon group used to meet all those years ago.  Again, I am in awe of the journey and overwhelmed with gratitude.

The next night, I faked fearlessness and filled in for Pastor Adam to facilitate some discussion with the Alpha group he's been teaching so that he could go fake a little fearlessness of his own.  This is an amazing group of people and I knew I was in over my head.  The great thing is that when I'm in over my head, I know who put me there.  And I know He won't let me drown....as long as I leave Him in charge.  We talked over our thoughts and experiences in what it means to really follow Jesus rather than simply believing.  A member of the group pointed out that you have to embrace grace in order to effectively follow Jesus and extend grace.  I've been really chewing on that statement.  What exactly does that look and feel like?

Embracing grace can be complicated.  It can be difficult to understand, particularly for those who have a deep need/desire to do things "right".  I know many who have struggled with it for various reasons, including myself.  It's difficult to allow myself to be human, make mistakes, and in some cases it has even been difficult to allow myself to feel, for fear of being hurt.  When we don't allow ourselves to fully receive the grace and forgiveness Jesus offers us, we are cheating ourselves and others out of the life of freedom we were meant to live.  Embracing grace and living a life of freedom doesn't mean to flounder around carelessly doing whatever feels good, knowing we are forgiven......it means to live well, trusting that our Creator loves us no matter what, allowing ourselves to be human, allowing ourselves to be all that He created us to be, and living in relationship with Him as we discover just what all of that is.  Embracing grace requires us to drop legalism, surrender to Jesus, and to forgive.  Love God and love others.  It's that simple.  (Mark 12:29-31)

I've found that living fearlessly requires me to accept grace.  The ability to move ahead fearlessly is about trusting that my life is the hands of the Living God.  It's never about feeling fearless.  It's always about trusting that I don't have to be afraid.  As we move closer to Easter stop for a moment......take a deep breath, and remember that there is grace and that you don't have to earn it.  Cut yourself a break!  Enjoy the longer days and rest knowing that you have nothing to fear and no shame to carry!  Happy Spring!

I Surrender!!

Just when I thought I had it all under control....I said I was done having kids.....and then came Sam.  I said I would never get married again.....and then came Kurt.  I said I would never go back to school because I refused to take college algebra for a fourth time......and then came Tabor College Wichita.  I said I would never become a member of another church......and then came Woodlawn UMC. 

Tonight I am in awe of the journey.  I'm in awe of my God who wrapped Himself in flesh to walk among us so He could feel what we feel and in the end conquer even death.  I'm in awe of how He continually works in my life- growing me, stretching me, allowing me to be so very broken and healing me in ways that are beyond my comprehension.

Sunday morning in the little chapel at Woodlawn UMC with a group of new friends, Kurt and I took the vows of membership.  For Kurt this was a transfer of membership.  For me.....well, it was a monumental moment that marked deep, deep healing.  A big deal between God and I.  I struggled for years knowing God had placed a calling on my life, and yet I harbored such anger at the church I wanted no part of it.  I avoided attending at any location because I knew I could never simply attend....I knew there were things I was supposed to be doing.  I didn't know what those things were, but that was simply not the point- it didn't matter.  I wanted no part of it.  I have always loved the Lord and maintained a relationship with Him on some level- there were moments when I yelled and cursed, all the while grateful He was listening.  There was a period in my life when I loved His church and spent as much time in any one church as I possibly could.  However, there came a time when it seemed as though the church had become apathetic and judgemental......there was no sign of grace....and that just didn't fit for me.  I could be all about Jesus, but not so much about church.  I couldn't understand it and I was too angry and hurt to try and change it.  So I hid.  There is no irony to the fact that Jesus called the church His bride.....my own feelings about church were congruant to that of marriage, both were commitments I no longer wanted any part of.  Even when I enrolled in the Christian Ministries program at Tabor I said to God "I don't want to work in a church".  And here I was joining the church with my husband, the same church that employs me.  And the best part?  Here I sit completely at peace with all of it. 

Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails".   What an amazing truth!  And one that I am increasingly grateful for!  When I think of all that I would have missed in my list of "never agains".....There would be no Samuel Kieth (I can't even imagine!), and there would be no Kurt, Emily, or Kaylie.  My time at Tabor has strengthened and renewed my faith, granted me peace and affirmed me, and blessed me with the opportunity to connect with friends who sustain me spiritually in ways that only they can as we journey through the program together.  And there would be no Woodlawn UMC- a place and a body of people who have very quickly become a part of who God has called me to be in this season of my life.  Grateful doesn't come close to expressing the relief I feel in knowing that I'm not in control, in knowing that God's plan does prevail inspight of my strongest efforts to hide.  There is so much more freedom out in the open, in being attentive, and in following His lead.  In hiding, I was unknowingly holding myself captive.  I was bound by all of my imperfections.  He never asked me to be perfect, just willing.

We've all heard it said, "never say never".  I am living, breathing proof of it!  It truly is the Lord's purpose that prevails.....sometimes it's hard to swallow, but I'm learning more and more to say "I surrender".  And I'm learning more and more that when I do, there is peace beyond all understanding.  It's all part of learning to live fearlessly.  He truly did not create us with a spirit of fear, so even when we feel fearful we can stand on that promise and surrender knowing that His plan wins every single time.

Ya Just Never Know.....A Look Over My Shoulder

Each morning I get out of bed, and begin my day with a cup of coffee.  The house is quiet as I sip my coffee and begin to gain consciousness.  These are precious moments as I slowly begin to process the things my day might hold.  I always start out with good intentions of being very productive.  Usually, by the time I head for the shower I have launched kids off to school and with any luck I made it to the gym (this doesn't happen as often as I think it should).  Typically, my time at the gym and my time spent getting around for my day are spent seeking God's plans for my day.  Often times, He's far too vague for my liking and I tend to let my mind wonder and embark on plans of my own.  However, I must confess that usually by the end of the day I am FAR more content and frequently amazed and overwhelmed with gratitude when I remember to be flexible and let Him lead.

This morning as I prepared myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to head off to work @ God's house (isn't that cool???), my mind raced around all the things I needed to write down in preparation for the week ahead, as well as things I needed to get on a list based on input from members of the congregation.  I began to pray and meditate on this new year and what living fearlessly and flexibly would look like for me both personally and professionally, as well as how God would have me share this with others.  It happens that when I surrender, the Holy Spirit takes me on a journey.  It seems that often times this journey is backwards, retracing steps down paths of my life revealing to me things that have shaped me and prepared a path for this next chapter.  (I've learned to surrender, because the retracing of steps is much easier when He's not dragging me kicking and crying, but that one is for another day.)  Sometimes these walks down memory lane are a little painful and frustrating.  There are things I'd prefer to forget.  Today, however, this was not the case. 

The verse from 2 Timothy was handed to me by the Holy Spirit in one of those moments when I had come skidding to my knees in search of peace and guidance.  I was tied up in a bundle of nerves during a training conference I had been chosen to participate in for the company I was employed by.  There were a number of us in Atlanta for this conference.  We were all store managers who had been chosen by our district managers because of our successes and leadership skills as potential field trainers who, if chosen would be primarily responsible for training incoming store managers.  At this time in my life (October of 2008), this was an excellent career move.  I was thrilled and honored to be chosen. 

The process was far more gruelling than any of us were prepared for!  Our task each day was to present a portion of the company's training material each day to the group.  It doesn't sound too bad, really, until you factor in the idea that sitting in the middle of the room and critiquing us was the author of said material.  THAT was the stressful part.  He wanted us to own it, to present it as if we meant it, not merely recite what he had written.  He looked for us to apply the material he provided to our own experience and teach it.....to HIM.  I had bumbled through my first presentation and was maxed out as I tried to prepare for the next one.  I began to pray and pulled out my Bible (I always traveled with it, but rarely actually pulled it out), and went to the concordance.  Searching for the word fear, I came to the verse in 2nd Timothy that quickly became "mine".  "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." -2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJ)   Prompted to consider the idea that I was not created with a spirit of fear led me to consider how I am created....starting with this whole idea of a "sound mind" (the very thought STILL makes me giggle!) and going beyond that to what a mess I consider myself to be.  Contemplating the events of earlier that day, I realized that part of my problem was my stinkin' notes.....I'm NOT a note follower.  In fact, I tend to present more comfortably and effectively if my notes are minimal.  My most effective presentations have been those with limited notes and no script. 

On that night in a room at a conference center in Atlanta, God began to prepare me for an amazing journey that has proven to have NOTHING to do with training store managers as He gently began to paint a picture of the person He created in me.  And so began "living fearlessly", as the next day my presentation was unscripted with a few bullet statements on a note card, teaching material that I believed in and honestly did own in how I ran my business and trained my team.  I knew how to apply it and teach it, and I did just that.  I'd love to say that I really did it fearlessly, but that is not at all the case.  I was terrified!  So, I whispered a prayer, ran the verse from 2nd Timothy through my mind repeatedly, and when it was my turn.......I faked fearlessness.  Owning the promise that I was NOT created with a spirit of fear and that I WAS created with a spirit of power and love and of a strong mind, I stepped in front of my peers and taught the material at hand.  To the man who wrote it.  In my own words.  It went beautifully!!

I dropped the pose of someone I am not, and allowed myself to begin to function as I was created and something amazing began to happen....the parts of me that I viewed as "messy" started to make sense, and it worked.  I was selected to be a field trainer for 2009, and my commitment to live fearlessly in that coming year was born.  During that time, I had no idea what the future would hold or what living fearlessly would mean.  I didn't realize that in the years to follow my resolution to live fearlessly would not only continue, but it would challenge me to my very core and eventually change EVERYTHING. 

As I enter 2012 with a whole new direction I do not always feel fearless.  There are alot of ongoing changes, and there are alot of people looking to me to provide leadership, vision, and guidance that I know I cannot always effectively fulfill....alone, that is.  But as I reflect on that night in Atlanta, I'm reminded that we are not alone.  The Creator of the Universe carefully crafted each of us with all that we would need to face the tasks laid before us.  Not only that....but, He gave us each other in order to create balance and provide all of the skill and talent necessary.  I'm also reminded that my plans are far more limited and far less rewarding than His.  Remember....I was going to be a field trainer which would eventually lead to multiple store management and extended burden on my family.  Going to work in God's house wasn't even on my limited human radar.  I would have missed so much  (both personally and professionally) if I had continued to surrender to fear.  So, in the coming year let's walk humbly together remembering to step out fearlessly (even when we don't feel fearless), and to be flexible enough to let the Holy Spirit be our guide.  What's holding you back?  It's going to be another great adventure!